2010 The Ultimate Year of "re"

Well- what a year it has been.

That being the ultimate statement in itself, one can almost agree that there needn't be anymore said. Understood- agreed- moving on.

What is unique about 2009 is that it not only brought us together in new ideals, but- it also brought us together in struggle, hardship and pure unadulterated love. You see- now- in all our hardships and strife- we have learned to love better, give without material undertone and value what is most important in our lives- and that is family and friendship.

I have certainly had my share this year of what Id like to call "filtering". The Universe had been working long and hard on steering my direction to LA, a new job, a new home and new friends. At one point I really felt as if I was on newness overload. Consumed by my need to be in control I fought it every step of the way.

"Why this- Why that" I would constantly question my being, my presence and my contribution. What I failed to understand is that- its all part of the greater picture. The master plan so to speak. Through death comes life. Like a caterpillar creating its shell and then blossoming into a beautiful butterfly- my journey was just beginning.

The funny thing about struggle is it becomes a bittersweet challenge. For me, I am not built to fail. Every time I felt like I couldn't do it anymore and I wanted to retreat back home- there was the this sense of adrenaline that took over and forced me to go on. I know inherently that I am going to be somebody and to stop now, would be the ultimate tragedy.

So- with all the lessons learned, the challenge ahead is simple: rebirth- reinvention-rebuild- re re re....

How will you "re" do your direction?

Brittany Murphy- Sunshine Lost

This past week the the world lost yet another actor and entertainer - Brittany Murphy. At the young age of 32- her career and roles ranging from bubbly to serious- always made us appreciate her. For me- she was always the girl who made me laugh- starting from her debut on the movie "Clueless". 


Over the course of her career- Brittany was always all smiles. She was to me- what I try to be for the world- just happy. Ashton Kutcher said it best when he said " Today, the world lost a little bit of sunshine". I couldn't agree any better. 


Brittany- may your soul rest in peace and may your infectious laugh and brights smile light up the heavens- just as they did here on earth. 

Little Boy Fantasy Redux!

Now if we could only work on Thundercats and Voltron... Im just saying.

The Anatomy Of My "Drunk Face"

I guess they are all the same... but, they sure are funny.

The Proverbial "Skin"

I remember a conversation a long time ago I had between myself and 3 older women- about when we all became comfortable in "our own skin".  It was a random conversation as we all headed to LA in a stretch limousine. It was a fun night of cocktails at a Fendi event that brought us all together. The group of women  were all of different ages and backgrounds, so it made for a surprise conversation. One by one each of the women began to talk about how they grew in different stages of their lives to the next- ultimately understanding "who they really were".

I have always said that I was one of those mature kids that could have better conversations with older people than people my age. So this round table was sweet candy to me. However,  I have discovered that- just when you think that you know everything about yourself- you learn something new. I began to give my story as well- standing out as the youngest.

In the last year- I have learned more about my strength, my determination and my pride than most people learn in in 10 years. For whatever reason the lessons came quick- and they came with a vengeance. There were times when I just wanted to quit, to stop to give up and to cry- but I didnt.

I just kept going.

A feeling only matched by the memory of me running track in high school. Those moments when I ran till my legs were jelly and the sounds dimmed till I only heard a faint echo and the sound of myself breathing. I ran till it was over and I never stopped or slowed down.

Lately its been like that. My soul feels heavy with being tired by getting up in the morning and not being able to settled in LA- not being grounded- or having a place to call my own. I just wanna stop some days- quit my job, go back to Orange County and sit on the beach- maybe even drink a six-pack of beer. But- every time I get to that point of exhaustion- I just close my eyes, fall to my knees and pray for the courage to go one more day forward.

I am not in any way shape or form- comfortable with people helping me- or taking help. I have always been taught to be a fighter and to make it happen all on my own. But- lately- I have had to ask for help just getting by on life. I appreciate all the kind friends just supporting me- but in my head - its a battle to accept. My pride, my Achilles heel.

So I think back to that limo ride- when I proudly spoke of when I knew I was comfortable in my own skin. I think I said something like It was when I turned 21- and got my first apartment. I laugh at that answer now- mostly because it was a great big lie.

Im more understanding about who I am- and who I am becoming now- than I ever have been. One can only wonder if you ever really stop growing and maturing- and if there is an ultimate "Age of Wisdom" one can aspire to becoming.

Only time will tell.

Think Positive!

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it."
Raymond Chandler 




In life-we are constantly challenged in learning how to to fall, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and become stronger, bigger and better people. It is this challenge that enables rich to be richer- wise to be wiser and regional thinkers to go global. 


But- in all the commotion of living a better life. I genuinely agree with Mr. Chandler- that Attitude determines how you do it. Being a firm believer in good and bad energy- one cant possibly think negative- day in a day out- and have great things happen to them. Its the "positivity" that will guide the soul in the right direction. Additionally- you can have all the money in the world- but if you have a horrible personality- you are doomed to be simply rich and miserably lonely. 


One can take that theory and apply it to many things- as I do- and really challenge yourself to be a guardian of positivity! We spend so much time gossiping, being angry, and just being negative- that we forget to wish ourselves life, happiness and good fortune. 


I challenge everyone to think differently today, so ill make this entry short. Live your life to its fullest and enjoy the simple parts of everyday- for they, as a whole bring more riches to your life than money ever will. 

An Open Letter to Love

Dear Love, 


Its been quite some time since you and I had a "heart to heart" - so to speak. how are you? Its my hope that this letter finds you in good spirits. 


Since last we spoke- I have been taking some time to work on me- which is why I haven't had much time for you. Its hard to imagine that you and I could be apart for so long. All things considered- you and I were like best friends. There wasn't a day that I couldn't stop talking about you- or the great things that you brought into my life. But, as great things rise- some must fall- and I needed too. Fall that is... away from you, so that I could appreciate you more. 


Over that last five years I have been on a journey of self discovery. Trying to figure out who I was, why I did things and how I could be better for the next time we met. There wasn't a day that hasn't gone by that I didn't think of the butterflies you bring, the cuddles, the memories and the happiness. God we go great together! All my memories serve me no justice as the feeling of being present to you pales in comparison to feeling your happy glow. 


Its my opinion that I needed this space. As hard as it has been- especially now during the holidays. I needed to grow up and become the man that could accept his responsibilities, live up to his potential and be happy with himself again. Life has a funny way of teaching you these things. Come what may- the fall of a great man is the greatest accomplishment he could have. You see what you learn as you are down; in life, career or love- will teach you most about the man you are- and yet to become.


So my dearest love. I hope you are well. I'd like to see you again- have some coffee or just sit and talk - catch up. Im sure you have much to tell of where you have been- and who you are now- and your journey as well. 


Best of all happiness, 
David

P.S. What do you say you and I have a picnic one day? 

Your Kind of Big Deal... Except to Yourself.

Not too long ago my dear friend Jade reminded me of an old saying that went something like...  " If you ever want to know the end- Take a look at the beginning".

Now for the record, being around Jade is always special because of her positivity, but it was this special moment- I really had to stop and absorb. She always knows what to say- at the right moment. This moment was right on.

It was less than 7 months ago that with a heavy heart and tank half full of courage - I moved to LA. With every ounce of strength I had left- I pushed, struggled and kept on smiling- regardless of my own personal built in critics and the judgmental public. I am a fighter- and I fought- never for a moment thinking of conceding (or renouncing any part of me) for a second.

What's important about this journey so far, is that I promised myself that come what may here in Los Angeles- I would keep true to myself, and I have yet to break that promise. You see, Its easy to get sucked into many things here in LA (or anywhere ) and I see it everyday. The talk of the industry, being an actor, a model, something- someone- who do you know, how can I benefit from knowing you. Its all part of this crazy town- but it is what it is. I cant blame it for anything. After all, it takes two to tango! To be fair- I have met many people who are very grounded and amazingly nice- but there is always a small- really small,  percentage of this personality!

What's hard to understand is how people so easily let go of themselves and who they are. Which is why that bit of wisdom Jade gave me resonated. How do people I know so dearly allow themselves to let material things replace good people and honest conversation. How do people allow "image" to be a part of what they are vs. who they are? Its all trivial I know- but at some point someone has to talk about the elephant in the room. Especially if they "are not someone- or somebody".

So here I sit asking...

At what point in your life is one not capable of reflecting on "How far they have come, Where they are going and If they are happy with the direction?"

the answer... is up for discussion.

A Year in Review & A Hug To Go With It!

Happy Holidays I assume is the appropriate thing to say at this point. The weather has been getting more and more crisp, the holiday decor has been creeping its way into every shopping mall, and every now and then, I can hear a holiday tune. Where has all the time gone, I ask myself. In a matter of a week we will celebrate Thanksgiving Day and shortly after that Christmas, and not to over embellish the captain obvious role Im taking- but yes- then we roll in the new year.


In 2009 the world has seen some amazing things like the first black President of the US take office, seen the first Hispanic Woman take seat on the Supreme Court and more importantly a shift in thought- globally. We are people on the verge of great and new things. This year has also brought us some unprecedented hard time and sorrow. We lost many iconic people in the music and entertainment industry like Michael Jackson, DJ AM, Farrah Fawcett- that list goes on and on. On top of that- All the horrible tragedies world wide that seem to consume the news every time I turn it on. Then there's  the meltdown of our economy, the recession and out country's struggle to survive. Oh and- Hello Swine Flu- the last great panic attack of the people and the more than likely the profit of the drug industry- somebody buy me some stock in hand sanitizer!!!


Our country needs the holiday... if anything to regroup- an sincerely be "thankful" - to be reminded of what we need to value most- our family. To love unconditionally because tomorrow is not guaranteed- to value each other, because at the end of the day, thats all we have. To give effort into reviving the common decency- as we support each other as Americans, as Human Beings everyday- no matter who we are, what we do and where we live. The return of the smile and hello as you pass each other on the sidewalk. We need the holiday cheer, we all need to smile and let a little happiness into our life. This year has been rough.


Maybe my pipe dream is getting the best of me but- I just think it will all do us some good. So, remember folks. In some way, shape, or form- we all have had a crazy 2009. So lets take a moment to be human for a moment, be kind, and be filled with love. Only good things can happen if we do. 

Looking Back at Being A 20 Something.

When I was a "20 something" - and all the world was my oyster, I used to think that I was very mature. Id appreciate the company of older friends or co-workers and felt wholeheartedly that I related much more to them- than my peers.

But- as I started to bleed that theory into my dating life, or career, or school- It would only be a matter of time before I got the "Your so young" conversation, which was usually piggy backed by the "When you turn 30, everything changes" conversation. I used to be so annoyed by those talks and hated defending my old soul and maturity.

Thirty Three amazing years later- I look back in retrospect and agree with everything that everyone said. I truly knew nothing.

Now- I oddly finding myself surrounded by many young guys with similar thoughts- struggling to prove they are indefinitely more mature than we "older" guys make them out to be. Begging for an opportunity to prove that they are the exception to the common twenty year olds and must be given a chance. But- as we all know- there is no such thing- or is there?

Can it be possible to meet a younger person (man or woman) who is wise beyond their age. Responsible beyond their means- or "lived" beyond their experience? In my opinion- No. But I'm open to hearing stories of this Lockness Monster.

I believe that life has a funny way of changing you- and most importantly teaching you about things that cannot be learned without trial and error. The most important lessons I have learned in life were learned through mistakes I made,  hurt I felt and tears I have cried. Now- of course there were things I learned as well through the wisdom of parents and friends- but none were nearly as life changing as things I went through all on my own.

I hear myself turning into the crazy preacher I hated explaining with conviction that "Life will teach you more about yourself, your strength, and who you ultimately be as a person." Eyes then roll and I shrug it off with a laugh- but I know Im doing my part.

So as I continue to grow and learn (cause it never ends) the best thing that I can do, is continue the cycle of advice, and urge them to be true to themselves- no matter what people tell them. One day they will be thirty three and remember me- and all I said, or what I tried to say.

Zodiac Cocktail?

When I was a young chap- I really didn't pay too much attention to details about somebody's sign. It was always know to me as that cheesy pick up line that guys asked girls at bars "What's your sign" they guy with the creepy mustache and polyester suit would ask. I never in a million years would have thought that it would be anything of substance- or interest. 


As I got older I began to read my horoscope in Cosmo and Vogue like every other young man in his teenage years does (insert laugh here) - and began to wonder what exactly does being a Virgo (me) , or a Gemini, or Libra mean- or what the hell a Zodiac is exactly ? It wasn't till about 5 years ago that I really started to "read" into it- and it was all pretty interesting.


Now, some of my friends over the years have criticized my beliefs - even going so far as to call me a hippy- but its all good. After all I was born in the 70's and my parents did love The Beatles and were hippies. Well- maybe not real hippies- my dad did smoke weed and and my mom did wear bell bottoms.  So that opinion I will take with a smile.


As I continued my reading into peoples signs and the understanding of the Zodiac - the most interesting thing that I found was the commonality of personal traits that most signs share. As a Virgo - it says that I am an extremely detailed person (yes) - That Leo's need to be the center of attention (oh yes)- and that Libra's are unable to make decisions (double yes) - dated one. Its all pretty interesting- but I suggest dumping the Cosmo Girl and hitting up sites like Astro.com and Soulgarden.tv- better at all the details. Knowing your sexual position preference for the month does not count as a great horoscope read.


Even more compelling is the reason why certain signs are not compatible together. This information can be great for dating and office strategy- it kinda explains why some people you are more excited to be around- and why you just wanna push some in front of a bus! Either way- its a great read.


So when you are not having a great month- or wondering why your roommate makes his bed like a marine or even why some people cant choose a restaurant (ever)- ask them what their sign is, it will explain it all!


Cheers to understanding yourself and the crazy people around you.

Im Ready For My Close Up... Or Am I?

In the last two days I had the privilege and pleasure of working on a reality show (as a cast member) - all the details I cannot go into- mostly cause I'm bound by what looked like a short novel of contracts that spell out- word for word- that I cannot even piss on the sidewalk about the outcome or game day strategy. But, it was a pleasure.

I will say that after all this is said and done- I have a funny feeling that things will change a little bit in my life. Worst case scenario- I end up a sound bite on Talk Soup - which wouldn't be bad- considering that I will do anything to be in the same room with Joel McHale.

What's more exciting about this whole experience is that I got the opportunity to work on "that side" of LALA Land- Not bad for only living in Hollywood for 6 months. That is what everyone is here to do after all.

Now- to be completely honest- I have never had any dreams or expectations about being an actor or living the Hollywood life. BUT- who wouldn't want to be a celebrity- or someone you can Google- and have more than your Facebook show up on that list. So yeah- I had a bit of a Twinkle in my eye.

I have to say that after the whole thing was said and done- I was exhausted. I don't understand how actors- or celebrities do it. Walking away from the day- I had this weird perception of what was actually reality- and what was sort of a "forced concept-based loosely on real life"- it was a weird car crash of perceptions. No wonder Britney doesn't know fat from thin and Jessica doesn't know Tuna from chicken. To be fair its also why Tome Cruise doesn't know gay from straight and Bill Clinton didn't know Monica from Hillary. There is complete disconnect from actual reality that eventually occurs. Well- for Bill it could have been allot more... I'm just saying.

Maybe I'm thinking about this too much. But - none the less- there I was replaying every moment of my "on camera" time and wondering- how - just how this is all going to play out when it inevitably airs next year. Yeah... next January 2010.

Until then, I hope that I can battle the demon "1o pounds" that the camera will eventually put on and hope that I don't (or they don't) create something out of nothing.... that I said or, didn't say... you get where I'm going with this.

The anticipation will kill me. I hope that my friends will still be my friends after all is said and done. Until then, I will secretly live the next 3 months incognito as this the boy next door. However, I will slowly and sure begin to audit all my Facebook friends, public photos and slim back on any one nights stands- you know, for my image.

I kid, I kid.

Stephen Gately

When I was a teenager, I was (and still am) a huge fan of pop music- but most of all the songwriters behind popular like Carol King, Deborah Gibson and The Beatles to name a few. Songwriters have a unique gift in music making that I appreciate hugely. The ability to not only bring poetic justice to words- but also to create a body of music and lyrics that can ultimately be classic, mainstream, and most of all relevant to the times- is a gift.

These people are the unsung hero's- the "man behind the curtain" so to speak - and if they are talented enough - the voice as well. A triple threat in my opinion to be able to sing, write and arrange a song that can be - moving. Beautiful.

Today another one of the talented army of singers, songwriters and genuinely good people passed away at 33. His name is Stephen Gately. Stephen wasn't grand like Michael Jackson or a pioneer like Carol King- but in his own right- significant and to me important.

Stephen is one part of a UK Pop group called Boyzone. The group is huge in the Uk and Stephen in his own right has accomplished many awards, and conquered stage and film- and of course the music industry. In 1999, Stephen shocked the music world when he came out of the closet and in 2006 he married his boyfriend Andrew Cowles in a civil union.

What makes Stephen a figure in my life is not that he's a singer, or that he's gay, or that he's a celebrity- but because he is a man that "lived life on his own terms and according to the way he wanted to be happy- no matter what people said."

That my friends is the purpose of this very blog- being true to yourself- no matter what people say. The reason I wear Vans to a Gucci party (as figurative and truthful as that is) - is because- life is about being who you are- and NOT what people tell you to be.

Stephen and I are the same age- and it is shocking to me to be reminded that life can end any day. This in itself is a call to action- to live life to its fullest. To be fearless and to not waste a single moment thinking about what you could do- and just do it!

I mourn the passing of Stephen - but celebrate the life he lead and the example he set for young gay men like me.

Rest in peace Stephen- your music will live on in my heart and life. To his husband Andrew- you are in my prayers and know your loss is not in vain. Stephen brought life, love, music and inspiration to many people in this world.

*Note: I added one of his song to my playlist for you to enjoy. The name of the song is "I Believe"- a great song that speaks to how people should live their life each day. After is a song from his group Boyzone called "No Matter What"- also with great relevance.

Let Go Your Cosmic Ball & Chain!

In life we come across so many people. Some we pass on the street, some we work with - and some we call friends. Over the course of our lives some will leave us, some will pass on and - some if they are great enough will fill your life with happiness every chance you get to see them.

Sometimes you meet people that change your life the moment you meet them.

Yesterday I had the most amazing conversation with a guy I had just met over the weekend at work. We really hit it off and ending up having dinner together.

What was so amazing about it was - that he and I - no matter how little we knew about each other (and our paths in life ) - we had this crazy understanding of where each other came from- where we were going and the tears of love and heart break that brought us to that very moment.

I have never met anyone with such a parallel life- that was so similar to mine.

We got to talking about how sometimes there are people (or how we are those people) who cannot let go of a past relationship that we have had. That no matter where your were in life... that person pops into your dreams- you text them randomly- you run into a mutual friend, etc. etc.- and we ask ourselves why cant we let go?

Is there some sort of spiritual ball and chain that has you and them bound still to each other? When one lets go- its still not enough- until there is cosmic closure.

So I got to asking myself about all the people that I have bound to my "cosmic ball and chain" Why do I still think of them? Why do I still want them in my life? Should I let them go?

why... why... why???- and with one deep breathe I pulled out a mental piece of paper and released a couple names back into the world.

You see, the important point that my friend was trying to get across to me today was this:

When we are born into this life- we have nothing and when we leave we have nothing. So being able to let go of things like relationships, furniture, photos, and even feelings like grudges should be enthralling- liberating- invigorating.

Let it all go and start all over- a rebirth of sorts- and see how you feel. After all- at the end of the day... it's just stuff. Right?

Job Hunting or Life Hunting

When you are in your thirties- starting anything over is questionable. You become a creature of habit. Weary of anything that is dramatic or turbulent- i.e. relationships, people, and careers.

When you are a thirty three year old man who has worked in retail for a good part of your life- the word "good" being the understatement of your vocabulary- you are what some would say type casted.

Are you any better than the last job you worked? Are you a bankable investment of an employee? Most importantly- Can you (and Sandra Bullock) recover from the last string of bad movies (or jobs) that you had? Can you become as great as you once were?

I found myself wandering Robertson Boulevard today - motivated and eager to work amongst the coolest retailers again. I want o work in luxury, I want to work in fashion and I want to work only 5 days a week and be off by 6p.m. everyday. Okay- maybe that last one was a stretch- but it was worth a shot. The point is I know what I want and it is a non-negotiable that I settle for anything less.

I find myself struggling with what people must think of the last couple jobs I have had. As if i can just hear what people are saying about me- judging- like I cant get my act together. The truth is- I have put 200% into every job I have had- like all the others. I know that i shouldn't care about what people think- but when you are a Virgo who scrutinizes your life by every detail- you are your worst enemy. I feel as if I'm explaining myself to my readers- and I know that's not necessary. But- I seriously just wanna work on things that are more fun like love, traveling, christmas, etc. You get where Im going with this.

So- with a heavy heart and a cup full of ambition- I say to myself " Let's do this". I think that I win the award for "Most Diligent"- when I think of the crap I've been through in the last two years, I seriously wonder why I haven't become an alcoholic!

So today is October 2nd 2009- I gave myself the month-31 days- to make change. As of day 2, I am hopeful.

To be continued.

Father Time Needs to take a Xanax!

As the fall slowly tip toe's into the minds of everyone here in sunny California, I'm trying to digest the fact that another year is rapidly coming to an end. I think as I get older- Its true what everyone has said- time- it starts to fly.

The pumpkins at the market remind me of fall and my the impending holiday- but mostly of what my nephews will be this year- transformers or batman? Remember when that dilemma was the only thing you had on your mind? Getting older is funny. Don't misunderstand me- I don't dwell on this topic to complain- but because I think that life is so special when you are able to look at it all in retrospect and appreciate it.

Yesterday I got my renewed drivers license and in an instant - I was reminded of how I am not getting any younger- and though I appreciate the wisdom that has come with this age, It certainly doesn't ease the pain of the physical proof that was there before me. I- according to DMV- am 33 years old now, and much older that the buzzed haired kid in the last photo.

People always seem to give you advice about what to do in your teens and in your twenties- but what about your thirties? The most I hear is- "It goes faster" or "Next thing i knew- I was 40". Where are all the silly anecdotes? I'll settle even for an old wives tale at this point.

I think what I struggle with lately- is finding exactly what personality I want to embrace- wholeheartedly. Young and Reckless is out of the question, Creepy and Drink buying is not an option, and Definitive and Resolved are begging membership. But- still, I find myself dabbling in all ponds. The fear is ending up- with nothing to show for the life I have lived.

Maybe that thought is not even to be resolved- and life as they say is what you make of it. Weather or not you dig ditches, are rich or poor, or are single or married with 5 kids. Maybe- life is how you lived your life the best you could have and that "living" is the ultimate happiness in the end.

So as I take another look at that damn DMV photo- Ill not only ask myself "what happened to my youth"- but ill also ask myself "what happens now".

That my friends is a better question.

Getting Older and Understanding Wiser

There was many a times when we as young adolescents would do everything in our power to "fight the power" so to speak of the parentals. We couldn't understand for the life of us- why these guardians wanted to control our lives so much. They said it was love, they said we would understand, they said one day- we would thank them.

Well- Pigs get your wings ready and Satan better buy some sweaters- cause that day has come, and I admit "They were right"!

As a child you do not- and cannot understand the wisdom and experience that your parents (or adults in general) have come from until- you as a young adult go through them yourself. Everything that happens to you is so pivotal in your journey to becoming an adult. The mistakes you make, the heartache you endure and the loss you experience. Additionally - the success that comes, the friends you make and the challenges that you over come bring additional wisdom to your journey.

As I have gotten older- I have seen myself become a better person. One with more patience, more love, and less "fly by seat of my pants" antics. I will be the first to say that I m not perfect- far from it. But I'm learning to slow down and enjoy the scenery- more than ever before.

Over the last year- I have seen friends get married, have kids and family members pass away. I have noticed my mother aging, my sister getting older and having kids and the crows feet start to make their home on my face. All of these moments have caused some pause for me to reflect on how far I have come from that shy little boy from Guam- what a life I have lived so far.

As I continue to reflect on all these moments- I must remember I have a responsibility. To teach, to give advice and to say "When I was your age" to as many young kids- As I once was- so that they may get a moment as I did- to make sure their path and their journey is steadfast and fruitful.

Here's to Moms & Dads everywhere.

No Sex in the City

So its been officially two weeks since moving to West Hollywood from the super styled rocker town of Hollywood proper.

I have to say that I kinda miss the craziness of the hollywood premiers, the randomness of getting my morning coffee with Spiderman and Marilyn Monroe- and not to mention watching the skankiest of skanky outfits parade around the boulevard on a friday night. I miss it all.

The funniest thing is that- as a single gay man living in West Hollywood - one would think that I would be overflowing with one night stands or dates scheduled weeks on end- sadly though- nothing. Its like Carrie Bradshaw with no clothes- or shoes- or money- just pathetic. Im sure its gonna take some adjusting as I settle in and its not like I havent been out at all. I just like complaining.

One of my favorite pastimes lately, I must admit, has been going to the new uber chic Pavillions that just opened around the corner from my house. Dare you not ever go there with your best outfit on though- every hardbodied model, actor and socialite shops there. Its such a scene- when that actually benefits me- I will let you know. Maybe I should stop wandering the Ice Cream aisle and stay out of the bakery- no one goes there.

Until then, Im content and grateful. Its nice to have my own 4 walls again. Maybe Ill start to go to the gym again...we shall see.

The Truth

Since moving to LA I have found a fantastic job that doesn't pay me half of what I used to make. They take amazing care of me- but I overwork- more than I usually do. I struggle with what my mom would call "looking a gift horse in the mouth". I struggle to make ends meet and survive- but still find enough money to have a beer every now and then.

In the last four months I have hung around more straight people than a gay man should in LA- not that's a problem. But its like going to Disneyland and sitting in the parking lot- why on Earth am I not out meeting people- or chilling in the Gay Hood of West Hollywood?

I have off and on picked up the bad- HORRIBLE habit of smoking. There is no excuse for this- its death.But- it helps me cope. I feel how it affects me after- shortness of breath- sad.

I haven't worked out in 4 months- sadly this is something I miss- as for almost 2 years I had a trainer and worked out 5 days a week. From that to smoking is unacceptable.

I ended a relationship of a year and sometimes miss it. I think in depth about weather or not I made the right decision. I often wonder if I'm just lonely or If i need to be patient.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason- so I guess I should be patient.

I miss my sister and my nephews- I miss my whole family.

Its funny how when you move to a big city or to a new city in general- there is this mental struggle to survive. I wont be one of those people who "couldn't handle" LA or retreats back to his old town cause "it was lonely".

But the truth is...that's how I feel most days. Lonely.

I have learned to parallel park on a dime- cause when you find parking- its better than sex. Ironically I parallel park more than I have sex.

I feel my age settling into me. I feel grateful for being 32 and soon happier to be 33- and - cant wait to be 40. I feel like that age will signify an arrival to wisdom.

The truth is...I love now better than I did before. But lack a significant other.

The truth is...I feel desperate some days to find someone- though the people who are interested- I don't find attractive- or they lack the maturity to be with me.

The truth is I know nothing and I continue to learn more about life as Ive made mistakes- Its a beautiful irony I live with.

The truth is...I am so thankful for how much I have been blessed and how aware I am of the lessons I have learned. So humble.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring me.

"Crack is Wack- Change is better"

Today I found myself curiously trying to take a listen to Whitney Houston's new single- " I look to You"- and found myself going down memory lane- to when I first heard Whitney- damn that gal has has some staying power! I remember it quite vividly the day my mom put that tape into the car stereo- I listened to many songs- but favored "The Greatest Love of All"- I sang that song to death! That was probably the first of many signs that I was gay- but nonetheless- damn I love me some Whitney- crack and all!

Thinking of all that she has been through- and how today- fresh off a trip bad publicity- she has now begun- no matter what people think of her- to return to what was "good" about her- and what made her "Whitney Houston"- a daring move that must take allot of courage. What will people think? How will they judge? Will she be relevant?

The truth is that - sometimes- we forget to be honest with what the reality of our life really is. Sometimes its bad and sometimes its good. When its bad though- we are shaken to the core- and wonder...how we got there- how!?

If you are lucky enough you get to ask yourself that question (as Whitney has) and rebuild the temple that is your body- life and soul. You will be able to experience a life that is whole and a love of yourself that is so ever important.

I stopped myself as I was listening to Whitney...and repeated "Learning to love yourself - it is the greatest love of all" and thought long and hard about life- and how I must be happy with ALL that it brings me.

Yeah its an age old conversation- "live and learn"- "If we never fall down, we will never learn to get back up", - I could go on and on- you get the point. But Im glad Im one of those people that is constantly aware of what is happening around them- cognizant of who I am and what is important. And- when I get off track I am able to put things in perspective. Im not perfect in any way- so trust me, that ability is a life saver.

So when you find yourself down and out- needing motivation to "change"- look around there are many - many great inspirations out there for you to use.

Thank you Whitney for mine.

NO H8 With Adam Bouska

For those of you who have been following my ever growing participation in the No H8 campaign- here's a peek at the recent photos my buddy & fashion photographer Adam Bouska took. This pictorial of everyday people, celebrities and activists- is a silent protest to over turn the Supreme Courts ruling saying that "Marriage can only be between a Man & a Woman". It is my belief that love is not only for heterosexual couples- but for everyone. That divine right to love- and love without discrimination- is the battle that NO H8 campaign and I firmly believe in. 

My good friend Jade came along with me- I think hers were best. Enjoy.

For for information on the NO H8 Campaign, go to www.noh8campaign.com

Intermission LA

Well Ladies and Gentleman- It has been 4 months now- since I packed up and moved to LA. My how time flies. It feels as if it has been at least a year.

I have to say things have been interesting! i took the bus for the first month or so and that aged me the most. Getting used to the homeless people and the crazy tourists- its both entertaining and humbling.

Different from New York- I cant explain how- But I assure you- Different.

I got my car broken into- and have participated in way too much alcohol consumption! The late nights call you- and sleeping becomes irrelevant. You are obligated. I think there was a moment when I said to myself- enough is enough.

The breaking point came recently when I found myself buying a pack of Parliaments- yes cigarettes! I don't smoke- and thus - forced a paradigm shift.

In trying to create a new identity- almost to try and keep up with the "Jones's" of LA- I lost myself. No amount of vintage plaid- Ray Bans- Farmers Market Trips and runs on Runyon Canyon could replace my inherent need to be nobody else but me! This has always been important.

I threw away the pack of Parliaments - and without hesitation wrote on a sheet of paper everything - that I loved. This little reminder was key to keeping the path focused on my very new journey!

The road ahead is till filled with many trials and tribulations...all which are welcomed. Every time I get a moment when things get crazy- I take a short drive and get coffee- think to myself about when I first got here- and just reflect. Sometimes I forget - how far Ive come.

Cheers to that- and all that is yet to come.

Not just Michael Jackson- But an Icon.

Yesterdays passing of not just one celebrity icon (Farrah Fawcette) -but two- Michael Jackson- has got thinking about the people who influenced me as I was growing up.

As the Beatles and Elvis were to our parents- entertainers like Michael and others will too start to pass. What they leave behind is a lasting memory of childhood, adolescence and a time when all was perfect in our lives- as innocent kids.

Growing up, Michael Jackson meant to me- being cool. I had this amazing red zipper jacket- like the one he had in his "Beat it" video- I'm not sure where I got that thing- but I wore the heck out of it! The sleeves unzipped and it was soo cool to me! Michael's ingenuity with interpreting videos to his songs were groundbreaking and always push the limits- I recall "Black & White" and dare I even mention the Priscilla Presley video??!! What about "Dirty Diana"? - wow- memories come flooding back- what were your favorites?

In all the heaviness yesterday - all I could think about is how time is a constant.

A reminder that we must appreciate the goodness that these people brought to us- what if Madonna was gone today? We talk about Michael being the King of Pop- Madonna the queen- and the royal court including newbies like Brittney and Lady GaGa. This royal court of sorts is now minus one very grand presence. He will be missed.

I must point out one thing though- for all the love we have for him today. There were moments when we let the love fade and the scrutinity of his lifestyle persuade us to be judgemental. We lost some Michael love at one point- you remember the court hearings.

Wrong or right- as it all played out- he is still important to who we have become today. An influence to us at an early age- and the music that took us to another planet- when as kids we no longer wanted to be here.

Remember the music- Remember Michael...and my red jacket!

NO ON H8

Yesterday morning was one of the earliest days I woke up to in a while. The sounds of the garbage trucks and the people getting started from their holiday weekend filled the morning with a symphony of noises- familiar only to my ear. 

I found myself filling the hours that followed that afternoon with the usual things one would do on their day off- coffee, errands, and the slow mosey of someone really needing to enjoy nothing and everything. 

Then- as I sat checking my email, chatting with friends- enjoying the rush of the fresh caffeine in my blood- i got a text informing me of the Supreme Courts decision to uphold the Prop 8 ruling that makes a marriage between a gay man or woman illegal.

I sat and simmered for a bit- and then it hit me-hard. I couldn't think for a second- almost as if someone close to me died or even like the feeling of one being fired suddenly. The sounds of the city began to muffle, my breath became short and I had to remind myself to inhale and exhale.

This was bad.

The hour that followed this ruling the gay and lesbian community became quite mobile with their plan to rally against this decision. In minutes I was getting text messages and emails about what to do and where to go that night to voice our opinion. This was the call to action for me and I never felt more obligated in my life. 

The afternoon had  me heading back to OC for work and was tense about the amount of time it would take to get back. Traffic heading back to LA was always a nail biter- but with the grace of God- I found myself right where I needed to be at the right time. This never happens- never. I didn't even bother to try and find a free parking space and opted for the valet parking lot- just shy of our meeting place. 

At 6:10 p.m. I rolled into Fiesta Cantina- the meeting spot that my friend and photographer Adam Bouska called out to us with- here we would gather- and be part of his protest group called "No on H8"- a silent protest that he and his partner Jeff created last year when Prop 8 first was voted into legislation. The campaign was a pictorial of people all wearing white t-shirts and with silver duct tape covering their mouths and the words "No on H8" written on their face- the campaign with everyday people, celebrities and local officials was gaining momentum. It was about to make a very public and large debut.

As I arrived I was greeted and a temporary tattoo was placed on my left cheek with the "No On H8" slogan. As I engaged with silly conversation about traffic and parking, I gazed around the room and took note of the celebrities and friends mingling, talking about their feelings and ready to take action. 

It was quite surreal to be a place with all these people- but what made it more interesting was the reason. No matter who we were in that room- we all felt quite passionate about the ruling. This wasn't a fundraiser- no one had to be there. No one got dressed up to come and no one was there to punch their community service card- this was about change. This was about passion. this was about all of us in that room being tired of the status quo and the people that are telling us what is right and what is wrong. 

At quarter after 7 p.m. we took to the streets. With a bit of vodka in me and the three new friends I made, we all march out; signs in hand and voices ready. Their I was- with Kelly Osborne, Emmy Rossum, Perez Hilton, Pete Wentz, Eliza Dushku, Shauna Moakler and the No On H8" team...taking to the streets!

The surreal feelings of all this began to really settle in as the news choppers flew over and the paparazzi documented every moment on camera. If you never stood up for anything in your life you wouldn't understand- but to not only believe as I have and to vote as I have  and to feel the disappointment as I have- I was filled with all the right reasons to be on that street protesting. no matter who was there- most importantly I was there for myself. 

I was once in a 5 year relationship that was documented by a notary public as "domestic partners", with that and a set of rings my then partner and I dreamed of one day being able to share the full rights as other couples had- but most importantly - to allow us and our "love" to be treated with the same respect that every straight couple is given. 

With every step I took on the pavement my feet grew sore- but with every glance I took around me, my heart grew more proud. Though time finds me today out of that old relationship- I still feel as I did back then -obligated to speak the good word of being in a committed relationship that could one day lead to marriage. Nothing gets the pitter-patter of my heart going faster than that idea. As I glanced around- heavy with memories and strong with determination- I noticed many couples holding hands, showing affection and without saying much at all- proving that we are all capable of marriage- simply by being in love and being human.

As the rally progressed I found myself separated from the friends I made earlier and heavy memories of boyfriends past. This was probably the last place a single gay man should be. But here I was reminding myself and my tempermental heart - that one day this too will be for me.

As a gay man- and a civic one at that, I have done everything in my power since day one to participate on changing the world and the state I live in- by doing what I can to affect change. I think back to what my parents did as young kids in the 60's and 70's and know that this is what I must do as well. Their efforts brought so much change to my life- and I too must do my part. 

As the rally neared the end of its route back to base camp- and my feet no longer had feeling in them, I realized how special tonight was- for me. I stood up for what I believed in- inside and out. I have always called myself a hopeless romantic- and this truly put the stamp of authenticity on it. 

Because above the fact that this was for my fellow gay and lesbian couples to have the right to marry- but this was also for me- so one day I can marry and be treated as an equal participant in all the joys of being married. I no longer care to be a "domestic partner" - but married. 

The heaviness of my heart has slowly been replaced with hope and perseverance. One day this will all be a thing of the past and I will get to say that I was there. There to make a point- there to change people minds and there to make love available FINALLY to everyone.

That's why getting married means so much to me- that is why I was there. 

Table for one please!

Do you ever have one of those days that suddenly- you want nothing more to do with anyone and you pull back- cancel every plan you had and take the beaten trail? 

That was today.

Though good friends came calling- and long Sunday amongst the brunch crowd of LA- I opted for a morning with the roomie and then a day committed to personal time.

Its funny when you have these days- you realize that your not even speaking a word for several hours- and the best part- not answering to anyone. A bit selfish but mentally rejuvenating. 

I have many friends who cant do this- this lonesome dove thing. The very thought of dinner in a crowded cafe is like death- not to mention a movie solo- death again. I don't understand this apprehension to personal time- Its very liberating. Like the first time you paid for something as a child- or your first paycheck as a teenager.

I think of this as a "rite of passage" of sorts. Until you can learn to do this- you will never truly be an adult. That's my opinion at least.

Its important that everyone take the time to zone out and get in touch with whats on their minds. This can be done with a private trip to the museum or even just a day driving the coast- if you have one. 

When you finally get over the fact that you are "by yourself" you will be enlightened...and then understand that that time is a mental recharge of sorts. Like a warm day at the tip of spring- glazed with a cool breeze. Take it in...close your eyes...breathe in...glow!

What are you afraid of?  

The glass is always half full

In LA you can be going at a hundred miles an hour and not even realize that you forgot to eat lunch or get your first cup of coffee. Angelino's tend to overbook everything- mostly because we can't say no to anything or anyone. The only time we can commit to anything truly - Is when we cancel on someone. That part is mostly a blessing- because you are overbooked anyways.

This last month has been so hectic that the moments that I do have to catch up seem like- those hazy mornings after a day of drinking- you know the Sunday brunch kind that start at 12 and end when you pass out fully clothed at 9 pm. 

I have been going at such a face pace that the only thing to slow me down recently has been emotions. I met someone recently that kinda threw everything into a cluster fuck of questions and debating - suitable for only a 13 year old girl and her crush on the captain of the football team. That being said- I'm uncomfortable with what's happening- in a good silly way of course. 

Ill start by saying this- Life is unpredictable and unapologetic- so my questions are never valid. I don't ask why things happen anymore, I just try to adjust as best as possible to the scenario.

With in a week I have managed to become so vulnerable and disassembled that I cant function properly and find myself doing things that I normally wouldn't do. The list is heavy- but checking my phone responses to text messages is the worst offender of all. I hate myself for that.

The bigger issue here is being vulnerable. 

With all the mistakes we have made in our lives- how do we even remotely try not to read into a simple meeting for yogurt or witty banter via text messages? Allot of us go into meeting people with bravery and confidence- but how do you put just enough to not get your hopes to high? 

Then there are the bruises of relationships passed that seem to linger and make you question whether or not you even want to go there at all. 

I think the Virgo in me is completely taking over right now. The sensible side of me says your fine and just play it cool. You are still strong and successful regardless. The Virgo inside of me is screaming "CRAP" not this again- your heart is so fragile and only for someone who can REALLY take care of it this time. 

I'm sitting here laughing at myself over all of this. I guess I have come a long way from three months ago. So I will end with this...I am truly grateful- no matter what- to be living. 

All the colors and people truly bring happiness to my life and come what may- I am just grateful for the gift of getting up every morning to take another stab at it. The glass is always half full!

Change one thing everyday!

Its been a while forgive me. My brain is mashed with thoughts from the past month- all of which are now flowing like busted fire hydrant in the city. Its time for release.

In the last week my friend and I- in our everyday battle to fight of negativity and focus on "living life" - came up with a plan to "Act differently". To pause at any given moment in your life and when you feel you can react differently than you normally do- Do it!

I got to thinking about this strategy of ours and thought of how empowering that could be. What if every day I did one thing differently? That's almost 30 days of positive change (that is I hope all the reactions are positive!)

What If we held the door for people? Said "Thank you and Please" after every human interaction or for that matter took a reusable bag to the market! The possibilities are endless and the change could be huge!

I know its silly but- change is good. Try it.

Life Rehab

This morning I woke up to my first real day off in a very long time. Heavy with thoughts on going forward in life and the deep appreciation for how far I have come- I threw some clothes on and headed to Starbucks for my morning ritual- a Venti drip with room for cream. 

For a $1.90, three magic minutes of sugar pouring and more half and half than i should be allowed, I firmly grasp the hot paper cup and take a deep breath of the coffee fumes. Like a person with OCD- I quickly arrange the hole of the lid to face the logo on the cup and shift the coffee sleeve to line up with both of them.

The first sip is always the best. I mentally unload anything that clouds my thoughts and for ten or fifteen minutes- the only relationship I have is with the mermaid on the cup. I stare at her at least a dozen times. Sip- stare- walk- repeat.

Today is a different day because my feet, though tired from being a city walker, will take me to a peace I haven't had in a while. They will take me- the mermaid and my coffee to happiness. This happiness comes from being able to breathe in life and enjoy the fruits of my labor and the great fortune that the universe has brought to my life. Today my feet take me on a long walk home- down Hollywood Boulevard to take in the day-just beginning. 

I am now walking so far away I must turn the corner to head home- reminding myself I have to buy eggs on the way back as well- I head to the grocery store. My absorption of the day and the crisp morning air and cool breeze has me mentally gone.

As I walk up the street and young guy is waiting on the side, bag in tow and hat on ever so sloppy- but intends it to almost hide him from the day. My curiosity has me quickly stare at him - then glance away before he misunderstands my intentions. I can feel him staring back and look up to call his bluff.

"Oh my gosh" He says with a mumble and we hug.  "Its been a while" I respond. 

The next two minutes are filled with an awkward hi and hello of sorts. I literally rolled out of bed and hate seeing anyone out- especially if its an old friend. He too mumbled through some stuff- only to later admit the location he was waiting at was part of his Rehab counselling. 

Steve (which is not his real name- but I respect his privacy with this issue) is a model that I had met 3 years ago at a photoshoot- a cool guy, good looking and a party guy. I was never really close with him- but we hung on occasion. Steve was interesting because, I knew that he was one of those guys that had a heart of gold- but was so consumed in "LA" and being a model- that you could barely recognize him, even if he was your own son or brother. 

We sat on a step as we waited for his ride to pick him up. Steve was heavy with life happening to him and it showed all over his face. With every word he spoke and every sentence he uttered- It was clear he was scared and humbled- but yet still untrusting of what I would think of him. For the next 20 minutes, he told me his story.  As the minutes passed I couldn't help but stare at every part of his face- searching for clues as to what he's been through.  He had gained some weight- but I think that's normal for someone going through drug rehab. I continued to stare at him and in my head create a different story about how far he has come.

It takes allot for someone to through rehab and realize that they have a problem- some people are almost convinced- as he was -that he could not come clean. On top of that- here he was with the gift of being sober and "awake" with life, it was blinding. 

His hands were a bit shaky and unmanicured. His smile was filled with a bit of happiness to tell his story, but still unnerved with what Id think. His veneers reminded me of who he was and what the city had done to him. My heart sank with a deep understanding of the journey that he was still far from ending- but here was. A welcomed stranger on his lonely road to redemption- giving him support.

Steve and I eventually said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch. He walked me to the corner and gave me a hug goodbye. His hug was tight and almost fearful of letting go. Normally this creeps me out- but I knew where it was coming from. 

As we walked away I turned around and said to him "Don't take on everything at once...do it in baby steps!" He smiled and said "Thank you"

As I walked away I realized that the Universe is funny in the way it works- bringing people in and out of our lives. Sometimes to move forward in our lives and sometimes to be a friendly smile and a hug- when we think that all hope is lost.

We each carry a great burden in this crazy life- to make something of ourselves. Some people get lost in the crowd and some people get consumed by life's little guilty pleasure- some people don't even dare to dream bigger than the cards they are delt. But what we don't know- is that we all have the power to change our course and no matter how horrible of a past we come from...

"the past does not dictate who we are today"

I dedicate this blog to Steve- may you have the courage and strength to continue your journey to recovery and rebuilding. Know that the world never gives you anything that you cannot handle. 

"This is LIVING!...so LIVE!"

As a young child, whenever things got rough my mother always told me to pray the "Serenity Prayer". ( God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference) The prayer continues a bit more, but I always found that very beginning to be very insightful.

The first two weeks here in LA were very trying on me, and at one point I was in a very dark place. I wasn't sure what to trust anymore. I was feeling very separated from the world, friends and my own personality. "Who am I today" I would ask myself.  I would daydream about who I would become, the job I would have and the friends I would make.  But- truth be told, my strength was wearing thin- and I was certainly in no place to positive about anything.

My friend Jade  took me up to Runyon Canyon, a popular LA trail, to go for a hike/run and remembered being very tired running up that hill. In my head I remembered wanting to slow down and walk, maybe even stop. I said at one point, not knowing my thoughts were starting to take over, "I wish my life would get better"- and without a second to think she said to me " You are living! This is life! Live!" 

I was so shocked at that moment because...she was right. I had spent so much time being upset- I wasn't living- and especially not living in the moment.

We eventually reached the top of the hill and It was gorgeous. The sun was just coming up and the sir was so crisp. People were now coming out from everywhere to partake in the moment of climbing this great hill. There I was though- looking over all of LA, the Hollywood sign just to my right and a sneak peak into some great houses. There I was living...and I made it to the top without quitting.

With that same attitude I approached everything for the next couple of days and was hugely surprised that- once you change your attitude, you change your life. And- as the prayer says when you have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change- you give yourself up from negativity and move forward. 

The next week proved very fruitful and I am very sure that it was because simply stopped being negative and started thinking, doing, and being positive. When bad things happen, they just do, just know its not in your hands- BUT how you proceed is. 

LIVE...LIVE NOW!

What a difference. 

Who are you?

E.E. Cummings once said

 " To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop being yourself "

Since moving to LA, and living in Hollywood- where people eat live and breathe every part of the film and modeling industry on a daily bases- It can be hard to stick to your guns and not turn into a yoga loving, vegan nourished film critic. 

People don't like to think they are part of some contrived caste of subcultures here in LA but they are. Weather they are part of the "Industry"(film, modeling, music), the gay community, the Art Scene or even the fashion Industry- Angelinos have groups. No different than the cafeteria in high school- we are uniquely divided into a culture of subcultures. 

Now Ill be the first to admit that this is true for any city of choice- but in large metropolitan cities- we do this quite amazingly. 

My point - beyond the fact that we are divided (but yet living harmoniously) is that how sometimes we lose track of who we really are- what we actually came here to be- or become. I have been catching up with many friends that live here- and some are quite tired of the pretense here. 

But- in my opinion there is so much more to LA than just the "Industry"- honestly I that being a new resident to the city is telling of that. Im not here to be an actor or a model or to go to FIDM- Im here because I genuinely love this city. I always have and co-habitation with the many industries, is a great energy and amazing to watch. The icing on a great big cake.

Sometimes I wonder about how a couple years from now...who will I be friends with? Where will I be hanging out? Will I become (without knowing) a part of the LA scene?, or will I continue to be exactly who I am. 

Only time will tell- but i will always remember the EE Cummings quote and the purpose of this blog- Staying true to who you are, no matter what. 

Until then...Spinning, Garden burgers and Twitter here I come. 

......But Words Can Never Hurt Me.

A funny thing happened in the last week...allot of "anonymous" people have been commenting on  my blog. At first I took the negativity personally- but then I realized...that's all part of the genius that is opinion.

There are no right or wrong ways to blog, give opinions or share ones point of view. They are all one persons perspective and should be understood as just that. The mean opinions are just as valid as the blog writers subject. 

I hardly expect that everyone will agree with how I view things... but thats the cool part. 

So thanks to all my new friends... your comments are welcome always- good or bad

A brand new box of crayons!

For most of my educated life I attended private catholic school. It wasn't until my junior year in high school that my parents gave me an option to switch to public school. Being the adventurous type of person I opted to switch.

Going to private school was a bit dry for me- never enough to explore and very vanilla. 

When I transferred I became this kid who morphed into this eager beaver. A far cry form the shy kid who hated PE classes. I joined every club possible, swimming in all the possibilities that education had to offer. I loved business- so I joined Future Business Leaders of America. I loved school activities, so I ran for student body. Whatever I wanted,  I did and there was so much to choose from. 

It was like  child that for- many years was given a box of crayons that had only the primary colors- and then suddenly discovered the super jumbo 100 pack of crayons! It was amazing. My body was racing with energy and discovery. I was alive!

Since moving here to LA I have been getting that same feeling again. Walking down the city streets I feel like I have been given another blank canvas and fresh new box of crayons!

I break open the box  and inhale the waxy fumes. What will I draw today? What will i do with all these colors? What great piece of art will I create? 

Yesterday I was walking home with my Ipod in and came upon a good song that got me almost skipping to the beat! I started to sing along and -sadly even play the air drums! I was so comfortable in my element that the craziness of the super heroes on Hollywood boulevard, the fuss over a movie being filmed and even Angeline pulling over in her pink Corvette- didn't distract me for a second. 

I was alive! I was part of this intense city that had something happening on every corner. 

And...there I was able to choose my new direction. It was an invigorating feeling that I was very blessed to have. 

I smiled at passers by- what would I become? Who would be my new friends? So many questions to answer as time goes by. 

I cant wait to be a familiar face at the local Starbucks, you know the things that make you feel even more at home! I want them to know I take a grande drip with room for cream- and start it when I walk in. I want others to know I come there- and Im a local! 

So far the city has welcomed me with open arms and Im happy to be here.