The Proverbial "Skin"

I remember a conversation a long time ago I had between myself and 3 older women- about when we all became comfortable in "our own skin".  It was a random conversation as we all headed to LA in a stretch limousine. It was a fun night of cocktails at a Fendi event that brought us all together. The group of women  were all of different ages and backgrounds, so it made for a surprise conversation. One by one each of the women began to talk about how they grew in different stages of their lives to the next- ultimately understanding "who they really were".

I have always said that I was one of those mature kids that could have better conversations with older people than people my age. So this round table was sweet candy to me. However,  I have discovered that- just when you think that you know everything about yourself- you learn something new. I began to give my story as well- standing out as the youngest.

In the last year- I have learned more about my strength, my determination and my pride than most people learn in in 10 years. For whatever reason the lessons came quick- and they came with a vengeance. There were times when I just wanted to quit, to stop to give up and to cry- but I didnt.

I just kept going.

A feeling only matched by the memory of me running track in high school. Those moments when I ran till my legs were jelly and the sounds dimmed till I only heard a faint echo and the sound of myself breathing. I ran till it was over and I never stopped or slowed down.

Lately its been like that. My soul feels heavy with being tired by getting up in the morning and not being able to settled in LA- not being grounded- or having a place to call my own. I just wanna stop some days- quit my job, go back to Orange County and sit on the beach- maybe even drink a six-pack of beer. But- every time I get to that point of exhaustion- I just close my eyes, fall to my knees and pray for the courage to go one more day forward.

I am not in any way shape or form- comfortable with people helping me- or taking help. I have always been taught to be a fighter and to make it happen all on my own. But- lately- I have had to ask for help just getting by on life. I appreciate all the kind friends just supporting me- but in my head - its a battle to accept. My pride, my Achilles heel.

So I think back to that limo ride- when I proudly spoke of when I knew I was comfortable in my own skin. I think I said something like It was when I turned 21- and got my first apartment. I laugh at that answer now- mostly because it was a great big lie.

Im more understanding about who I am- and who I am becoming now- than I ever have been. One can only wonder if you ever really stop growing and maturing- and if there is an ultimate "Age of Wisdom" one can aspire to becoming.

Only time will tell.