The Truth

Since moving to LA I have found a fantastic job that doesn't pay me half of what I used to make. They take amazing care of me- but I overwork- more than I usually do. I struggle with what my mom would call "looking a gift horse in the mouth". I struggle to make ends meet and survive- but still find enough money to have a beer every now and then.

In the last four months I have hung around more straight people than a gay man should in LA- not that's a problem. But its like going to Disneyland and sitting in the parking lot- why on Earth am I not out meeting people- or chilling in the Gay Hood of West Hollywood?

I have off and on picked up the bad- HORRIBLE habit of smoking. There is no excuse for this- its death.But- it helps me cope. I feel how it affects me after- shortness of breath- sad.

I haven't worked out in 4 months- sadly this is something I miss- as for almost 2 years I had a trainer and worked out 5 days a week. From that to smoking is unacceptable.

I ended a relationship of a year and sometimes miss it. I think in depth about weather or not I made the right decision. I often wonder if I'm just lonely or If i need to be patient.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason- so I guess I should be patient.

I miss my sister and my nephews- I miss my whole family.

Its funny how when you move to a big city or to a new city in general- there is this mental struggle to survive. I wont be one of those people who "couldn't handle" LA or retreats back to his old town cause "it was lonely".

But the truth is...that's how I feel most days. Lonely.

I have learned to parallel park on a dime- cause when you find parking- its better than sex. Ironically I parallel park more than I have sex.

I feel my age settling into me. I feel grateful for being 32 and soon happier to be 33- and - cant wait to be 40. I feel like that age will signify an arrival to wisdom.

The truth is...I love now better than I did before. But lack a significant other.

The truth is...I feel desperate some days to find someone- though the people who are interested- I don't find attractive- or they lack the maturity to be with me.

The truth is I know nothing and I continue to learn more about life as Ive made mistakes- Its a beautiful irony I live with.

The truth is...I am so thankful for how much I have been blessed and how aware I am of the lessons I have learned. So humble.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring me.