Stephen Gately

When I was a teenager, I was (and still am) a huge fan of pop music- but most of all the songwriters behind popular like Carol King, Deborah Gibson and The Beatles to name a few. Songwriters have a unique gift in music making that I appreciate hugely. The ability to not only bring poetic justice to words- but also to create a body of music and lyrics that can ultimately be classic, mainstream, and most of all relevant to the times- is a gift.

These people are the unsung hero's- the "man behind the curtain" so to speak - and if they are talented enough - the voice as well. A triple threat in my opinion to be able to sing, write and arrange a song that can be - moving. Beautiful.

Today another one of the talented army of singers, songwriters and genuinely good people passed away at 33. His name is Stephen Gately. Stephen wasn't grand like Michael Jackson or a pioneer like Carol King- but in his own right- significant and to me important.

Stephen is one part of a UK Pop group called Boyzone. The group is huge in the Uk and Stephen in his own right has accomplished many awards, and conquered stage and film- and of course the music industry. In 1999, Stephen shocked the music world when he came out of the closet and in 2006 he married his boyfriend Andrew Cowles in a civil union.

What makes Stephen a figure in my life is not that he's a singer, or that he's gay, or that he's a celebrity- but because he is a man that "lived life on his own terms and according to the way he wanted to be happy- no matter what people said."

That my friends is the purpose of this very blog- being true to yourself- no matter what people say. The reason I wear Vans to a Gucci party (as figurative and truthful as that is) - is because- life is about being who you are- and NOT what people tell you to be.

Stephen and I are the same age- and it is shocking to me to be reminded that life can end any day. This in itself is a call to action- to live life to its fullest. To be fearless and to not waste a single moment thinking about what you could do- and just do it!

I mourn the passing of Stephen - but celebrate the life he lead and the example he set for young gay men like me.

Rest in peace Stephen- your music will live on in my heart and life. To his husband Andrew- you are in my prayers and know your loss is not in vain. Stephen brought life, love, music and inspiration to many people in this world.

*Note: I added one of his song to my playlist for you to enjoy. The name of the song is "I Believe"- a great song that speaks to how people should live their life each day. After is a song from his group Boyzone called "No Matter What"- also with great relevance.

Let Go Your Cosmic Ball & Chain!

In life we come across so many people. Some we pass on the street, some we work with - and some we call friends. Over the course of our lives some will leave us, some will pass on and - some if they are great enough will fill your life with happiness every chance you get to see them.

Sometimes you meet people that change your life the moment you meet them.

Yesterday I had the most amazing conversation with a guy I had just met over the weekend at work. We really hit it off and ending up having dinner together.

What was so amazing about it was - that he and I - no matter how little we knew about each other (and our paths in life ) - we had this crazy understanding of where each other came from- where we were going and the tears of love and heart break that brought us to that very moment.

I have never met anyone with such a parallel life- that was so similar to mine.

We got to talking about how sometimes there are people (or how we are those people) who cannot let go of a past relationship that we have had. That no matter where your were in life... that person pops into your dreams- you text them randomly- you run into a mutual friend, etc. etc.- and we ask ourselves why cant we let go?

Is there some sort of spiritual ball and chain that has you and them bound still to each other? When one lets go- its still not enough- until there is cosmic closure.

So I got to asking myself about all the people that I have bound to my "cosmic ball and chain" Why do I still think of them? Why do I still want them in my life? Should I let them go?

why... why... why???- and with one deep breathe I pulled out a mental piece of paper and released a couple names back into the world.

You see, the important point that my friend was trying to get across to me today was this:

When we are born into this life- we have nothing and when we leave we have nothing. So being able to let go of things like relationships, furniture, photos, and even feelings like grudges should be enthralling- liberating- invigorating.

Let it all go and start all over- a rebirth of sorts- and see how you feel. After all- at the end of the day... it's just stuff. Right?

Job Hunting or Life Hunting

When you are in your thirties- starting anything over is questionable. You become a creature of habit. Weary of anything that is dramatic or turbulent- i.e. relationships, people, and careers.

When you are a thirty three year old man who has worked in retail for a good part of your life- the word "good" being the understatement of your vocabulary- you are what some would say type casted.

Are you any better than the last job you worked? Are you a bankable investment of an employee? Most importantly- Can you (and Sandra Bullock) recover from the last string of bad movies (or jobs) that you had? Can you become as great as you once were?

I found myself wandering Robertson Boulevard today - motivated and eager to work amongst the coolest retailers again. I want o work in luxury, I want to work in fashion and I want to work only 5 days a week and be off by 6p.m. everyday. Okay- maybe that last one was a stretch- but it was worth a shot. The point is I know what I want and it is a non-negotiable that I settle for anything less.

I find myself struggling with what people must think of the last couple jobs I have had. As if i can just hear what people are saying about me- judging- like I cant get my act together. The truth is- I have put 200% into every job I have had- like all the others. I know that i shouldn't care about what people think- but when you are a Virgo who scrutinizes your life by every detail- you are your worst enemy. I feel as if I'm explaining myself to my readers- and I know that's not necessary. But- I seriously just wanna work on things that are more fun like love, traveling, christmas, etc. You get where Im going with this.

So- with a heavy heart and a cup full of ambition- I say to myself " Let's do this". I think that I win the award for "Most Diligent"- when I think of the crap I've been through in the last two years, I seriously wonder why I haven't become an alcoholic!

So today is October 2nd 2009- I gave myself the month-31 days- to make change. As of day 2, I am hopeful.

To be continued.

Father Time Needs to take a Xanax!

As the fall slowly tip toe's into the minds of everyone here in sunny California, I'm trying to digest the fact that another year is rapidly coming to an end. I think as I get older- Its true what everyone has said- time- it starts to fly.

The pumpkins at the market remind me of fall and my the impending holiday- but mostly of what my nephews will be this year- transformers or batman? Remember when that dilemma was the only thing you had on your mind? Getting older is funny. Don't misunderstand me- I don't dwell on this topic to complain- but because I think that life is so special when you are able to look at it all in retrospect and appreciate it.

Yesterday I got my renewed drivers license and in an instant - I was reminded of how I am not getting any younger- and though I appreciate the wisdom that has come with this age, It certainly doesn't ease the pain of the physical proof that was there before me. I- according to DMV- am 33 years old now, and much older that the buzzed haired kid in the last photo.

People always seem to give you advice about what to do in your teens and in your twenties- but what about your thirties? The most I hear is- "It goes faster" or "Next thing i knew- I was 40". Where are all the silly anecdotes? I'll settle even for an old wives tale at this point.

I think what I struggle with lately- is finding exactly what personality I want to embrace- wholeheartedly. Young and Reckless is out of the question, Creepy and Drink buying is not an option, and Definitive and Resolved are begging membership. But- still, I find myself dabbling in all ponds. The fear is ending up- with nothing to show for the life I have lived.

Maybe that thought is not even to be resolved- and life as they say is what you make of it. Weather or not you dig ditches, are rich or poor, or are single or married with 5 kids. Maybe- life is how you lived your life the best you could have and that "living" is the ultimate happiness in the end.

So as I take another look at that damn DMV photo- Ill not only ask myself "what happened to my youth"- but ill also ask myself "what happens now".

That my friends is a better question.

Getting Older and Understanding Wiser

There was many a times when we as young adolescents would do everything in our power to "fight the power" so to speak of the parentals. We couldn't understand for the life of us- why these guardians wanted to control our lives so much. They said it was love, they said we would understand, they said one day- we would thank them.

Well- Pigs get your wings ready and Satan better buy some sweaters- cause that day has come, and I admit "They were right"!

As a child you do not- and cannot understand the wisdom and experience that your parents (or adults in general) have come from until- you as a young adult go through them yourself. Everything that happens to you is so pivotal in your journey to becoming an adult. The mistakes you make, the heartache you endure and the loss you experience. Additionally - the success that comes, the friends you make and the challenges that you over come bring additional wisdom to your journey.

As I have gotten older- I have seen myself become a better person. One with more patience, more love, and less "fly by seat of my pants" antics. I will be the first to say that I m not perfect- far from it. But I'm learning to slow down and enjoy the scenery- more than ever before.

Over the last year- I have seen friends get married, have kids and family members pass away. I have noticed my mother aging, my sister getting older and having kids and the crows feet start to make their home on my face. All of these moments have caused some pause for me to reflect on how far I have come from that shy little boy from Guam- what a life I have lived so far.

As I continue to reflect on all these moments- I must remember I have a responsibility. To teach, to give advice and to say "When I was your age" to as many young kids- As I once was- so that they may get a moment as I did- to make sure their path and their journey is steadfast and fruitful.

Here's to Moms & Dads everywhere.

No Sex in the City

So its been officially two weeks since moving to West Hollywood from the super styled rocker town of Hollywood proper.

I have to say that I kinda miss the craziness of the hollywood premiers, the randomness of getting my morning coffee with Spiderman and Marilyn Monroe- and not to mention watching the skankiest of skanky outfits parade around the boulevard on a friday night. I miss it all.

The funniest thing is that- as a single gay man living in West Hollywood - one would think that I would be overflowing with one night stands or dates scheduled weeks on end- sadly though- nothing. Its like Carrie Bradshaw with no clothes- or shoes- or money- just pathetic. Im sure its gonna take some adjusting as I settle in and its not like I havent been out at all. I just like complaining.

One of my favorite pastimes lately, I must admit, has been going to the new uber chic Pavillions that just opened around the corner from my house. Dare you not ever go there with your best outfit on though- every hardbodied model, actor and socialite shops there. Its such a scene- when that actually benefits me- I will let you know. Maybe I should stop wandering the Ice Cream aisle and stay out of the bakery- no one goes there.

Until then, Im content and grateful. Its nice to have my own 4 walls again. Maybe Ill start to go to the gym again...we shall see.

The Truth

Since moving to LA I have found a fantastic job that doesn't pay me half of what I used to make. They take amazing care of me- but I overwork- more than I usually do. I struggle with what my mom would call "looking a gift horse in the mouth". I struggle to make ends meet and survive- but still find enough money to have a beer every now and then.

In the last four months I have hung around more straight people than a gay man should in LA- not that's a problem. But its like going to Disneyland and sitting in the parking lot- why on Earth am I not out meeting people- or chilling in the Gay Hood of West Hollywood?

I have off and on picked up the bad- HORRIBLE habit of smoking. There is no excuse for this- its death.But- it helps me cope. I feel how it affects me after- shortness of breath- sad.

I haven't worked out in 4 months- sadly this is something I miss- as for almost 2 years I had a trainer and worked out 5 days a week. From that to smoking is unacceptable.

I ended a relationship of a year and sometimes miss it. I think in depth about weather or not I made the right decision. I often wonder if I'm just lonely or If i need to be patient.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason- so I guess I should be patient.

I miss my sister and my nephews- I miss my whole family.

Its funny how when you move to a big city or to a new city in general- there is this mental struggle to survive. I wont be one of those people who "couldn't handle" LA or retreats back to his old town cause "it was lonely".

But the truth is...that's how I feel most days. Lonely.

I have learned to parallel park on a dime- cause when you find parking- its better than sex. Ironically I parallel park more than I have sex.

I feel my age settling into me. I feel grateful for being 32 and soon happier to be 33- and - cant wait to be 40. I feel like that age will signify an arrival to wisdom.

The truth is...I love now better than I did before. But lack a significant other.

The truth is...I feel desperate some days to find someone- though the people who are interested- I don't find attractive- or they lack the maturity to be with me.

The truth is I know nothing and I continue to learn more about life as Ive made mistakes- Its a beautiful irony I live with.

The truth is...I am so thankful for how much I have been blessed and how aware I am of the lessons I have learned. So humble.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring me.