When Its OK to Be Selfish

When anyone usually gets caught up in a relationship- or the highs and lows usually associated with the start them- we often tend to forget about one very important person. You.

It wasn't too long ago that I was dramatizing over some dating dilemma to a good friend of mine- when in the middle of the the whole conversation she stops me and says- " This is the problem... We always forget to make ourselves the number one priority!"

Stunned... I sat there and listened to her wisdom and it got me to thinking about this dilemma.

When it comes to matters of the heart...Why do we forget to be selfish?

We forget about our career path, we forget about our dreams and hell- sometimes we even forget to walk the dog! What is it about a relationship that make us so- forgetful?


"BE SELFISH!"  she said

It was then that I looked back and realized that yes- I too have been guilty of the ultimate disrespect- forgetting to make myself the priority.

Don't misunderstand me- I am the first to need this advice and - yes- I am one of those who people (clearly) who gets caught up in the tangled web of infatuation. So this advice is mine to take and mine to give.

Being selfish means that you never forget about what you were doing prior to meeting this "Night In Shining Armor" or this "Playboy Centerfold"- you were a gym enthusiast, an artist, a writer, a movie goer and a Yogi. This person that comes into your life must be a compliment to, not a distraction.

More so, if your new lover is so distracting that they are inviting toxic behavior into your life, this is also not acceptable. If you never smoked a cigarette and all of a sudden you do now because of them- this is not staying true to who you are. You abandon the very core of your direction.Vices are contagious.

Ask your self one simple question at this moment.

"In my life- am I making the infatuation of another person the priority in my life?"

If the answer in anyway is yes- then you need to re-evaluate. Because, if for some reason, things don't go well (god forbid) in that relationship- you will be the only one responsible for that time spent.

Will you be able to say you life was still on track or will you look back and realize that you wasted precious time?

Be selfish. Nothing or nobody else matters when it come to your success in life.

Living Up To Ken

For all the times that we have conversations with women and young girls about body image and perception- you rarely (if any at all) hear anything about the struggles of gay men living in their own subculture.

Being gay is hard- and having to live up to the expectations of looking like a Ken Doll can be just as overwhelming (if not worse) than the pressure a woman feels to be thin.

Case in point- as a young gay man- You are required to fulfill three things in your gay life: 

1. Be A Super Model: 

Look gorgeous, have a muscular physique, be tanned, well  groomed and well.... just pretty. This of course means that you must go to the spa, you must enroll in the best gyms and your MUST do yoga! I don't know what it is with gays and Yoga. I love it- but I don't get why every gay "does yoga".

2. Be Uber Social: 

Attend every party that is appropriate, go out on all the best nights of the week ( which is all 7 days incidentally) Know as many people as possible ( this includes having shit loads of friends on Twitter & Facebook) and of course have some sort of connection to a undisclosed circle of celebrity friends. (this is clearly for name dropping purposes- I'm almost sure of it) On top of that all- you also have to be able to get into the best straight clubs as well- knowing everyone, everywhere. This makes you a triple threat gay.

3. Have Money:

Because you are gay and have no kids ( your dogs don't count ) you have an endless supply of cash flow. This allows you to buy the best clothes, go to the best restaurants, and buy those damn $10 drinks at your local gay hot spot. Not to mention you must be able to travel. If you are not worldly- you are not able to speak the the pros of the globe trotter! 

I'm sure this list could be longer- but I think those are the highlights. Growing up in a subculture where most of the public gay figures are "perfect" is intimidating. Porn Stars, Gay Icons, Celebrity Gays ( in or out of closet) are all prefect seedlings of the Ken Doll. 

It makes one wonder why most gay men come off as "shallow". Well - there you go. 

Here is my next thought- GOD FORBID you age or gain weight! What then? Bring you out to pasture and kill you? Gay men are brutal and I can only imagine the answer to that question. 

At some point we must revisit our values and our future. Though getting married and having kids is a right we fight for currently- I beg to ask why we really want to? We already treat a relationship over three months like three years- a sort of gay fable if your will. Will having children really bring joy to our lives- or will we just use them as another way to spend our money. Even worse- will we judge or disassociate ourselves from the "Nesting Gay" because they - don't party with us anymore? No wonder I feel that some gay guys don't like to associate themselves with the gay scene. 

We are creating division within our community. This is bad.

Only time will tell - how we grow and change. It is my hope that we become aware of our standards that we have set for our community and change the perception of what its like to be a gay man. You don't have to be anything but yourself to be an individual- and being gay shouldn't add anymore pressure on you to be anything but what you want to be.

Live the life that you want and not what others expect you to be.

Finding Your Voice

Over the last year I have spent allot of time here in LA really finding myself.

Living in a city of dreamers can be intimidating at times- but for me it has been quite inspiring and motivating. Waking up everyday to a sea of people who are here to become singers, actors, or musicians keeps me constantly wondering... "What am I passionate about?" One sunday- on a early morning walk to the farmers market it hit me.

I am a writer. End of story.

Over the last month I have been diligently working on my first novel. Writing has always been my passion and that I can never argue. So- with true determination I set out to find my voice in a sea of great novelists before me. So many questions needed to be answered before I got started: What kind of writer will I be? What will be my genre? Will I do fiction? Of all these questions,  I never questioned what I was going to write about ( that I knew from the start ) ... Love.  The highs and lows, the passion, the tears and the pain- Love is my thing. I can write about that till Im dead.

Now I wont divulge too much about the plot- or anything else about my writing except that- I am writing one heck of a story for all to appreciate. I promise.

Once I got started with the process- It all started to grow on me organically. There was so much passion, so much drive and so much thought spilling out of me that - at that moment- I knew what I was doing was what I was put on this earth to be... a writer.

From that moment on I never looked back. I encourage everyone to keep experimenting with life- find your calling and be as honest with yourself as possible. Only in this process can one truly "Live" the life they were meant to live.