Life Rehab

This morning I woke up to my first real day off in a very long time. Heavy with thoughts on going forward in life and the deep appreciation for how far I have come- I threw some clothes on and headed to Starbucks for my morning ritual- a Venti drip with room for cream. 

For a $1.90, three magic minutes of sugar pouring and more half and half than i should be allowed, I firmly grasp the hot paper cup and take a deep breath of the coffee fumes. Like a person with OCD- I quickly arrange the hole of the lid to face the logo on the cup and shift the coffee sleeve to line up with both of them.

The first sip is always the best. I mentally unload anything that clouds my thoughts and for ten or fifteen minutes- the only relationship I have is with the mermaid on the cup. I stare at her at least a dozen times. Sip- stare- walk- repeat.

Today is a different day because my feet, though tired from being a city walker, will take me to a peace I haven't had in a while. They will take me- the mermaid and my coffee to happiness. This happiness comes from being able to breathe in life and enjoy the fruits of my labor and the great fortune that the universe has brought to my life. Today my feet take me on a long walk home- down Hollywood Boulevard to take in the day-just beginning. 

I am now walking so far away I must turn the corner to head home- reminding myself I have to buy eggs on the way back as well- I head to the grocery store. My absorption of the day and the crisp morning air and cool breeze has me mentally gone.

As I walk up the street and young guy is waiting on the side, bag in tow and hat on ever so sloppy- but intends it to almost hide him from the day. My curiosity has me quickly stare at him - then glance away before he misunderstands my intentions. I can feel him staring back and look up to call his bluff.

"Oh my gosh" He says with a mumble and we hug.  "Its been a while" I respond. 

The next two minutes are filled with an awkward hi and hello of sorts. I literally rolled out of bed and hate seeing anyone out- especially if its an old friend. He too mumbled through some stuff- only to later admit the location he was waiting at was part of his Rehab counselling. 

Steve (which is not his real name- but I respect his privacy with this issue) is a model that I had met 3 years ago at a photoshoot- a cool guy, good looking and a party guy. I was never really close with him- but we hung on occasion. Steve was interesting because, I knew that he was one of those guys that had a heart of gold- but was so consumed in "LA" and being a model- that you could barely recognize him, even if he was your own son or brother. 

We sat on a step as we waited for his ride to pick him up. Steve was heavy with life happening to him and it showed all over his face. With every word he spoke and every sentence he uttered- It was clear he was scared and humbled- but yet still untrusting of what I would think of him. For the next 20 minutes, he told me his story.  As the minutes passed I couldn't help but stare at every part of his face- searching for clues as to what he's been through.  He had gained some weight- but I think that's normal for someone going through drug rehab. I continued to stare at him and in my head create a different story about how far he has come.

It takes allot for someone to through rehab and realize that they have a problem- some people are almost convinced- as he was -that he could not come clean. On top of that- here he was with the gift of being sober and "awake" with life, it was blinding. 

His hands were a bit shaky and unmanicured. His smile was filled with a bit of happiness to tell his story, but still unnerved with what Id think. His veneers reminded me of who he was and what the city had done to him. My heart sank with a deep understanding of the journey that he was still far from ending- but here was. A welcomed stranger on his lonely road to redemption- giving him support.

Steve and I eventually said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch. He walked me to the corner and gave me a hug goodbye. His hug was tight and almost fearful of letting go. Normally this creeps me out- but I knew where it was coming from. 

As we walked away I turned around and said to him "Don't take on everything at once...do it in baby steps!" He smiled and said "Thank you"

As I walked away I realized that the Universe is funny in the way it works- bringing people in and out of our lives. Sometimes to move forward in our lives and sometimes to be a friendly smile and a hug- when we think that all hope is lost.

We each carry a great burden in this crazy life- to make something of ourselves. Some people get lost in the crowd and some people get consumed by life's little guilty pleasure- some people don't even dare to dream bigger than the cards they are delt. But what we don't know- is that we all have the power to change our course and no matter how horrible of a past we come from...

"the past does not dictate who we are today"

I dedicate this blog to Steve- may you have the courage and strength to continue your journey to recovery and rebuilding. Know that the world never gives you anything that you cannot handle. 

"This is LIVING!...so LIVE!"

As a young child, whenever things got rough my mother always told me to pray the "Serenity Prayer". ( God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference) The prayer continues a bit more, but I always found that very beginning to be very insightful.

The first two weeks here in LA were very trying on me, and at one point I was in a very dark place. I wasn't sure what to trust anymore. I was feeling very separated from the world, friends and my own personality. "Who am I today" I would ask myself.  I would daydream about who I would become, the job I would have and the friends I would make.  But- truth be told, my strength was wearing thin- and I was certainly in no place to positive about anything.

My friend Jade  took me up to Runyon Canyon, a popular LA trail, to go for a hike/run and remembered being very tired running up that hill. In my head I remembered wanting to slow down and walk, maybe even stop. I said at one point, not knowing my thoughts were starting to take over, "I wish my life would get better"- and without a second to think she said to me " You are living! This is life! Live!" 

I was so shocked at that moment because...she was right. I had spent so much time being upset- I wasn't living- and especially not living in the moment.

We eventually reached the top of the hill and It was gorgeous. The sun was just coming up and the sir was so crisp. People were now coming out from everywhere to partake in the moment of climbing this great hill. There I was though- looking over all of LA, the Hollywood sign just to my right and a sneak peak into some great houses. There I was living...and I made it to the top without quitting.

With that same attitude I approached everything for the next couple of days and was hugely surprised that- once you change your attitude, you change your life. And- as the prayer says when you have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change- you give yourself up from negativity and move forward. 

The next week proved very fruitful and I am very sure that it was because simply stopped being negative and started thinking, doing, and being positive. When bad things happen, they just do, just know its not in your hands- BUT how you proceed is. 

LIVE...LIVE NOW!

What a difference. 

Who are you?

E.E. Cummings once said

 " To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop being yourself "

Since moving to LA, and living in Hollywood- where people eat live and breathe every part of the film and modeling industry on a daily bases- It can be hard to stick to your guns and not turn into a yoga loving, vegan nourished film critic. 

People don't like to think they are part of some contrived caste of subcultures here in LA but they are. Weather they are part of the "Industry"(film, modeling, music), the gay community, the Art Scene or even the fashion Industry- Angelinos have groups. No different than the cafeteria in high school- we are uniquely divided into a culture of subcultures. 

Now Ill be the first to admit that this is true for any city of choice- but in large metropolitan cities- we do this quite amazingly. 

My point - beyond the fact that we are divided (but yet living harmoniously) is that how sometimes we lose track of who we really are- what we actually came here to be- or become. I have been catching up with many friends that live here- and some are quite tired of the pretense here. 

But- in my opinion there is so much more to LA than just the "Industry"- honestly I that being a new resident to the city is telling of that. Im not here to be an actor or a model or to go to FIDM- Im here because I genuinely love this city. I always have and co-habitation with the many industries, is a great energy and amazing to watch. The icing on a great big cake.

Sometimes I wonder about how a couple years from now...who will I be friends with? Where will I be hanging out? Will I become (without knowing) a part of the LA scene?, or will I continue to be exactly who I am. 

Only time will tell- but i will always remember the EE Cummings quote and the purpose of this blog- Staying true to who you are, no matter what. 

Until then...Spinning, Garden burgers and Twitter here I come. 

......But Words Can Never Hurt Me.

A funny thing happened in the last week...allot of "anonymous" people have been commenting on  my blog. At first I took the negativity personally- but then I realized...that's all part of the genius that is opinion.

There are no right or wrong ways to blog, give opinions or share ones point of view. They are all one persons perspective and should be understood as just that. The mean opinions are just as valid as the blog writers subject. 

I hardly expect that everyone will agree with how I view things... but thats the cool part. 

So thanks to all my new friends... your comments are welcome always- good or bad

A brand new box of crayons!

For most of my educated life I attended private catholic school. It wasn't until my junior year in high school that my parents gave me an option to switch to public school. Being the adventurous type of person I opted to switch.

Going to private school was a bit dry for me- never enough to explore and very vanilla. 

When I transferred I became this kid who morphed into this eager beaver. A far cry form the shy kid who hated PE classes. I joined every club possible, swimming in all the possibilities that education had to offer. I loved business- so I joined Future Business Leaders of America. I loved school activities, so I ran for student body. Whatever I wanted,  I did and there was so much to choose from. 

It was like  child that for- many years was given a box of crayons that had only the primary colors- and then suddenly discovered the super jumbo 100 pack of crayons! It was amazing. My body was racing with energy and discovery. I was alive!

Since moving here to LA I have been getting that same feeling again. Walking down the city streets I feel like I have been given another blank canvas and fresh new box of crayons!

I break open the box  and inhale the waxy fumes. What will I draw today? What will i do with all these colors? What great piece of art will I create? 

Yesterday I was walking home with my Ipod in and came upon a good song that got me almost skipping to the beat! I started to sing along and -sadly even play the air drums! I was so comfortable in my element that the craziness of the super heroes on Hollywood boulevard, the fuss over a movie being filmed and even Angeline pulling over in her pink Corvette- didn't distract me for a second. 

I was alive! I was part of this intense city that had something happening on every corner. 

And...there I was able to choose my new direction. It was an invigorating feeling that I was very blessed to have. 

I smiled at passers by- what would I become? Who would be my new friends? So many questions to answer as time goes by. 

I cant wait to be a familiar face at the local Starbucks, you know the things that make you feel even more at home! I want them to know I take a grande drip with room for cream- and start it when I walk in. I want others to know I come there- and Im a local! 

So far the city has welcomed me with open arms and Im happy to be here.