Good Morning LA...

Yesterday I rushed between two cities- fresh from a 4 pitcher of beer night with friends and very little sleep. The nervousness was replaced with anticipation and a glass of anxiety. I was now in the final moments of moving from Orange County to Los Angeles. A move I'll admit I contemplated many times in my life- but never thought it would happen. As fate has it though- here I am, tired as all hell and in the passenger side of a Mini Cooper zipping up to my new zip code.

Most of my life has been carefully and strategically packed into two large trunks I purchased one weekend in Pasadena- now they are fully functional and not simple aesthetics to my old dwelling. I only chose what I needed and the rest is in storage, quite a feet for me if anyone has ever sen my closet. 

Im sharing an apartment for now with a friend of mine till I can afford something on my own- so needless to say space is an issue. I feel like Im back in college in a dorm- but older and wiser. My friend and I get along on so many levels,  so Its nice to have her here. It will make acclimating to the city easier and more enjoyable. 

My first night here,  I was overwhelmed with so many feelings. A mixture of excitement, sadness and anticipation. I cant wait to start my new job and get into the groove of things. But there is a feeling of sadness that lingers for the people I will miss, the places I grew accustomed to and the "comfort" I had with the predictability. But- thats why Im here. The box that I stood in, no longer could hold my dreams  and I am positive that life has a bigger plan for me. So although the fear of starting something new is present- the drive to be a bigger, better person - "someone" - is a stronger feeling. 

Last night a symphony of new city sounds rocked me to sleep. It was an orchestra of alley cats, cars, and what seemed like an amazing party across the street, they all were in complete harmony. A serenade that welcomed me to the city. 

I woke up this morning to a familiar sound of birds chirping outside and a kind layer of suburbia, similar to my old place. As I rubbed my eyes and crawled out of bed, reality sunk In and breathed in a deep breath of calm and determination. 

I am here for a reason and I will once again prove to the world what I am made of. 

Good morning LA, It's great to be here.

Moving

Well the clock has been counting down on my final days here in Orange County. I have spent the last week packing ever so slowly and today It was full steam ahead. I received confirmation on my new job and my new place in LA. So everything is set...including all my Vans!

I got to thinking about how many times I have moved and packed in my life and Its pretty ridiculous. I'm not sure if its even normal, but as I (yet again) strained to lift another box of stuff to the "done" area, I was suddenly hit with flashbacks & an overwhelming sense of melancholy.

You see, I believe packing is very symbolic and quite emotional.

There you are, with great hesitation- trying to put everything in your house into boxes. You take frames and clothes and plates and ever so gently pack them up to move, or even worse, off to a storage unit. Where they will be forgotten like foster children- waiting for the day they are once again "good enough" to be part of life as you live it. 

As you are packing you start to take inventory of what you have collected, how you have added on and what must be thrown away.

My how you have changed you ask yourself, stumbling onto some old yearbook or pictures of you with old friends. So much time has gone by and here you are...reflecting. 

Did you do what you set out to do in life?

Is this new move taking me in that direction?

Or...hopefully, how proud you are to come so far.

Those questions, taking inventory of what you own physically and mentally. 

Sometimes I'm more surprised about what I throw away and how I have moved on from finding value in certain things like...cards, or photos, or stuffed animals.

Today was very important to me. I feel that I have fought very hard to be who I am today. All these "moves" represent brilliant new chapters in my life.  A great book that has had many stories of friendship, love, heartache, family and much much more. But most of all its a story about strength and determination. Never giving up on your dreams, no matter how much the odds are against you. 

I have to admit, there were times that I was so lost and depressed. No amount of past success could have given me motivation to pick up and continue the fight. But...I did.

So, as I sit here looking at my life- packed in cardboard boxes, I find happiness knowing that I enjoyed how tactile ending this chapter was. Touching every moment of my life, thus far, with my hands. Appreciating how far I have come and how truly great I have yet to be. 

Goodbye Natasha...You were beautiful star

The acting community recently mourned the loss of beautiful actress and Broadway star, Natasha Richardson. In a matter of days, hours and fleeting moments- she was taken from her loved ones in the most tragic way. One second she was up and fine, then the next gone. 

I got to thinking about how life is short and precious- and that no one is above God and destiny. 

So many of us live our lives in fear and hate, until tragedy comes knocking at our doorstep- then the proverbial "light" turns on. We scurry to "live" life to its fullest, take risks, fear nothing and love harder.

But- why? I ask. 

Why do we wait for some divine intervention- to wake up and see that we control that "light". 

I have always been someone who believes you must love, live and be as much as you possibly can today...because tomorrow may never come. 

If your life ended today- would you be happy with how you lived? Would there be something you wish you said- or wish you did?

Then- GO....DO IT!

Fear is irrelevant. Happiness is open for interpretation and you have....this precious gift- that must be used to its full potential. And, yes. Sometimes life is full of hard decisions, but if you don't make those decisions to be happy with your life- then whats the point. You are living for others and not yourself. Give love to others- but be selfish with your journey. 

When the lights went out on Broadway last night. It was not only an homage to Natasha Richardson. But an homage to life- a reminder that it is precious and short...so go live!

 

My Inspiration

The song is called "Swim" by Jacks Mannequin

 

I heard it the other night randomly in the car.

It resonated and called out to me- word by word- and gave me the courage to keep fighting

Fighting because, giving up is not an option right now- and like all of us at some point, we have come too far and worked way to hard- to simply give up. 

Ill be the first to admit that Im starting to sound a bit depressed (forgive me)- and Im sure I'll start bloging about things more upbeat, but until then. You are all along for the ride. 

I have attached the lyrics- and added it to my play list for your enjoyment. PS, I could only find this version online to add- so its got the weird intro. Check out the album version- its fantastic!

David

Life is a Country Song

These days have been tough and trouble's far from gone

The cash in my pocket cant buy me a coke, 

something tells me somethings wrong

How can the world be broke

The news get worse every day, people losing homes, jobs and sanity

I pray there is there a cure for our recession,

before it takes hold of my neighbor and me

I'm walking down main street and barely recognize my friends

smiles have turned to frowns

help me pick love up off the ground

I'm running down main street trying to save myself

Left my dog and pickup truck behind, 

its every man for himself

The American dream is lost in a cloud of banks and prayers

A new hero arises, a hope

A challenger of ney sayers

Our colors never run they say, 

But Im watching old glory fade away

Time moves in slow motion, but the rugs are pulled much faster

I want to stop reading, but im intrigued by this disaster

I'm running down Main Street trying to save myself

Ive left grandma behind and stole her cookie jar

The cash could buy me a bus ticket 

Only hope I dont smike it or stop at the local bar

I'm running down Main Street picking up pieces to save

Hoping that it all wont end up in a government grave

It may be broken but its mine, my Kennedy castle

Ill wake up and live, without tribulation and hastle.

The Journey Continues

I have decided that the fear of the unknown has become irrelevant in my life.

Most people have fear of change, taking that first step, or even doing something that they might fail at. I am none of those. Over the course of the last two years, I have been through so much agonizing change (coupled with heartache, broken friendships and plenty of alcohol) that I think that the unknown has become a bit of a comfort. Sometimes- the only thing that has been consistent, has been change. 

Now, on the eve of more change in my life, I find myself in these weird "slow motion" movie moments- where I'm purposely making mental notes of simple freedoms and things that I know I will miss very soon. 

I am moving in about 2 weeks- and what makes matters worst- is I don't know where to, or with who. I'm picturing some crazy journey that is a delicious blend of "My own Private Idaho" and "The Pursuit of Happiness".  Those couldn't be anymore opposite of movies- but I think its appropriate. A struggle of hope and destiny- a young gay man holds on to nothing but the clothes on his back and his dreams...i can see it now!

I think by my next blog I will have more foresight on my journey. Until then...pray for me!

For those of you who dont know- The Fashion Industry has pretty much been a big part of my life for many years now. The whole thing completely gets me starry eyed everytime I think about it!

About 2 years ago a good friend of mine, photographer Adam Bouska, asked me to style a shoot and the rest was history! Ill be the first to admit im a novice and have huge room for improvement- but its a best hobby I can have.  I hope to get shooting again- and do somthing more editorial vs. commercial.

The second photo (gray sweater) is with "Bre" from Americas Next Top Model, The diamond photo was for a jeweler in Beverly Hills, and the girl on the bed was for a line called "True Love & False Idols".

-Let me know your thoughts! 

Reality CHECK!

So okay...from now on I will be dedicating a part of my blog to "Pop Culture". I will talk about anything making news in our lives that the media force feeds us on a daily bases! It will be anything from Octo-mom, American Idol, Obama, and Celebrity trash. 

 The reason I am doing this is simple- I cant stand how retarded some of the things are that we talk about, the things that we give attention to and that concern us. I will try my best to be democratic, but mostly I will be honest. 

The last 24 hours of TV have had me begging God for mercy and asking what the hell is going on with reality programming! It also had me fuming on viewer comments and feedback. So I immediately thought I had to get to bloging! 

So without further overselling...my rants on American Idol & The Bachelor!

Ill start with the Bachelor. "PEOPLE.....GET OVER IT!"

I didn't watch any of this  seasons episodes- maybe one in the beginning, when he was in the hot tub (but ABC sold me on that one- I'm sure everyone watched that one...you know why!) But - if you watched one- you have watched them all. But naturally everyone was so fired up over last nights "After the Rose Ceremony" when Bachelor Jason changed his mind, broke off his engagement Mellisa and in the same episode asked for another chance with #2 mail order bride (Molly)- the one he told previously that wasn't the one for him.

A "shocking turn of events" the media was calling it...and everyone from the checkers at the grocery store to the weather girls on TV were suddenly- turning REAL bitter! There was a whole lot of man hating going on yesterday and the water coolers were bustling with sympathy for the poor broken hearted Mellisa. "She was dumped, He cheated, He cant make up his mind, Poor thing, Men are scum!" that all I heard from people everywhere. 

I'm going through my day just trying to figure this all out and all I could think was....WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

I think Jason showed allot of integrity to go on national television and go with what is heart told him and not make another mistake in his life. He already had one divorce and a child to care for- and EVEN if the decision would not be easy - he knew he had to go with what he felt was right. 

How many people do that today? So many people are afraid of making decisions in their life and in thier ultimate happiness, just because it might cause a bit of hurt. Forget about the fact that you are not happy- or your really not "In Love" with someone.  

To all the crazy women (mostly) out there stabbing poor Jason and using him as a target for all their failed relationships (or whatever)...I say this. 

" The Bachelor is a show that is created in a matter of months. On a weekly basis women are thrown against each other competing for attention, while more than likely being intoxicated half the time (note the amount of champagne consumed) in hopes of getting a chance to marry someone they DO NOT KNOW! They "chose" to be on a "TV SHOW" that will exposed their most vulnerable feelings to a man (and America) in hopes that they will "miraculously" fall in love AND GET MARRIED over such a short time period. Now when anything goes wrong- we villanize the bachelor and forget the actual context of the show!" 

There are no rules when you go on the Bachelor, so why are we shocked that something unconventional happened. We are so quick to dismiss the fact that these women actually believe that you can fall in love and REALLY know a person in a few short months? Are we really naive to the fact that Jason was being more realistic and probably  had allot more to lose than a single mail order bride? They will all be famous in thier own right- thats why they wanted to be on TV in the first place! 

Get over it and stop the man hating! You should respect Jason's decision because I think he has some idea of what a real relationship will take, and that is time. In addition to the unconventional facts, has anyone even thought about the success rate of all the previous bachelors...or bachelloret? The girls have broken off some engagements too! All relationships require time, honesty, and nuturing- not a TV audience and public scrutiny. 

Can you imagine if you were a parent and your child called you up and said "Hey Mom & Dad. I went in this TV show two months ago and met this guy. I competed with 20 other women and its down to me and one other girl. We are coming to see you so he can meet the family and see if your good enough- we are still taping so everything will be on TV. I really love him and if I get picked, he will marry me. What do you think? You wanna meet him?" 

Geez people- get a grip and take it for what its worth!

AS FOR AMERICAN IDOL....

I am just beside myself trying to fugure out how all these promising young people, continue to choose BAD, HORRIBLE and just plain FUCKEN RETARDED songs. I wont even go into the bad dancing this season. 

I never curse on my Blogs, but I've obviously had enough. 

I didnt mind when we added a 4th judge, I didnt mind when the way people were voted off changed (although stupid) and I didnt mind when some bad people (Tatianna, Norman, etc.) got into the top 36- Its a reality show I get the way rating work. But mostly im just so so annoyed that these contestants are stupid and clueless...even after a million seasons of Idol watching under thier belts. 

I think by now- any good contestant should have watched the show, known that song choice is key, known what the judges want, know how to dress, know how to move or "perform on stage" and just plain known better! If you follow the show- you were probably like me asking yourself "what the hell is going on?"

Last night I chose people to publicly (mercilessly) hate on.  They ahve ahd weeks to choose songs, watch, the shows, hear the judges, find out how to move, and what to wear! The contestants from round three had no excuses and I expected more- if not an bread crumb of idea of how to put on a show. 

I want to thank Lil Rounds for the best performance of the night! The blind guy (Scott)is just stupid now- if he wasnt blind would you really look at him and say "I wanna buy his CD". The Puerto Rican guy (Jorge) is retarded too- all that crying was cute but it wont get him votes- he's just filler. The dorky guy (Alex)..come on now: Horrible a waste of my life!

Now for my new favorite person to hate (since Tatianna was booted) Nathaniel. Hold onto your hats and glasses!

Nathiel is CLUELESS! He can't sing, he cant dance, and he CANT DRESS! He gets the official "WHAT THE FUCK!" The damn headband, the piercings, the scarfs, the drama queen antics...ugh! I dont think he owns a TV or has seen any magazines because if he did he would notice he always wears pants WAY to small for his fat legs and come on...all the tatoos and stuff, he reminds me of Blake Lewis from last season (runner up) EXCEPT REALLY GAY!  Sorry Blake! But back to Nathaniel...ugh...just horrible. I feel sorry for him beacuse he is obviously someone that comes from a broken home and is simply doing anythign he can to get attention....but besides that....He needs to go! I cant wait till he gets booted tonight. 

Say Hi to Tatianna!

Whew...im glad I got that all off  mychest! LOL!

Change Direction, Change your life

This weekend I got to thinking about when I was in high school again. You see when I moved back to Guam, I was put into private catholic school. When your in private school, things tend to be a bit contrived- your course studies, your pint of view and your direction. Since I can remember, which goes back to about 5th grade, I was spoon fed ideas about who I was to become, what I was supposed to be and what I was to believe - religiously speaking. 

For many years all I knew was God, uniforms and the crazy day to day schedule I was on. Now I'm not saying this was all bad- but what I am saying is that it was all a bit "programed" if you will. Who was the real me? Independently of everything that people were telling me to be- who was David? What did I believe? As a child I'm sure those are hard questions to answer, not to mention that you don't even know that you have a choice in this whole process. But- at some point, you begin to realize that there are things that "you" like, separate from everyone else, that is special to you. It could be that you liked a certain singer, a certain color, TV shows or even a sport. Those moments become part of the master blueprint that you create- for you. You are becoming an individual with personality, dreams, goals and most importantly a path all our own. 

In my junior year, my parents aske me if I wanted to transfer from private school to public school. Since I hated private school and was never rich enough to relate to most of the kids there anyways, I said "YES"! 

That was probably the single most terrifying decision I made in my life thus far. You see, public school kids didn't like private school kids, much less kids from a neighboring rival school- but there I was, smack dab in the middle of all of it. You could bet your life savings on the fact that I was scared shitless!

But here is the irony...what happened after that was nothing short of fantastic. I'm not sure how this all happened, but somehow I managed to join almost every campus activity group. In two very quick years, I became part of Student Council, Future Business Leaders of America, Class Council, The editor of the High School newspaper, became part of the Track & Field team, and was chosen to do a teen talk show on the local radio station called "Hip Talk". 

Are you still following me? Here's where I say "What the Fuck!" How did that all happen? I was the shy kid with no friends and a whole lot of fear!

My point is this: 

Sometimes the scariest things in your life, the moments when you have every right to fear, and want to retreat with all your might, those moments- are the moments that will change your life forever. So we should never (or I believe) that we can never let this world get the best of us. Because there is always time to become who we want to be, no matter how old you are or how complicated your life has become. 

It is your divine right in this life to be happy. To remind yourself of that young child you once were with big dreams and even bigger expectations of your life. To remind yourself that deep inside of you is a "Master Blueprint" that is as big a part of you, as life is now. 

BE SELFISH! 

Listen to the signs of the universe, the small hints that continue to encourage you to fulfill your destiny in this life. 

CHALLENGE what you know and the decisions you make,  to be based on your happiness and then everyone elses. It will seem scary, but change is always scary. 

So I think back to that moment when my mother asked me if I wanted to change schools. I could have fought her and begged to finish school with my friends. But IF I didn't- so many other amazing things in my life would never have happened.

So take this moment to reflect on who "you" really are and know that ONE SINGLE decision today can change your life.