Father Time Needs to take a Xanax!

As the fall slowly tip toe's into the minds of everyone here in sunny California, I'm trying to digest the fact that another year is rapidly coming to an end. I think as I get older- Its true what everyone has said- time- it starts to fly.

The pumpkins at the market remind me of fall and my the impending holiday- but mostly of what my nephews will be this year- transformers or batman? Remember when that dilemma was the only thing you had on your mind? Getting older is funny. Don't misunderstand me- I don't dwell on this topic to complain- but because I think that life is so special when you are able to look at it all in retrospect and appreciate it.

Yesterday I got my renewed drivers license and in an instant - I was reminded of how I am not getting any younger- and though I appreciate the wisdom that has come with this age, It certainly doesn't ease the pain of the physical proof that was there before me. I- according to DMV- am 33 years old now, and much older that the buzzed haired kid in the last photo.

People always seem to give you advice about what to do in your teens and in your twenties- but what about your thirties? The most I hear is- "It goes faster" or "Next thing i knew- I was 40". Where are all the silly anecdotes? I'll settle even for an old wives tale at this point.

I think what I struggle with lately- is finding exactly what personality I want to embrace- wholeheartedly. Young and Reckless is out of the question, Creepy and Drink buying is not an option, and Definitive and Resolved are begging membership. But- still, I find myself dabbling in all ponds. The fear is ending up- with nothing to show for the life I have lived.

Maybe that thought is not even to be resolved- and life as they say is what you make of it. Weather or not you dig ditches, are rich or poor, or are single or married with 5 kids. Maybe- life is how you lived your life the best you could have and that "living" is the ultimate happiness in the end.

So as I take another look at that damn DMV photo- Ill not only ask myself "what happened to my youth"- but ill also ask myself "what happens now".

That my friends is a better question.

Getting Older and Understanding Wiser

There was many a times when we as young adolescents would do everything in our power to "fight the power" so to speak of the parentals. We couldn't understand for the life of us- why these guardians wanted to control our lives so much. They said it was love, they said we would understand, they said one day- we would thank them.

Well- Pigs get your wings ready and Satan better buy some sweaters- cause that day has come, and I admit "They were right"!

As a child you do not- and cannot understand the wisdom and experience that your parents (or adults in general) have come from until- you as a young adult go through them yourself. Everything that happens to you is so pivotal in your journey to becoming an adult. The mistakes you make, the heartache you endure and the loss you experience. Additionally - the success that comes, the friends you make and the challenges that you over come bring additional wisdom to your journey.

As I have gotten older- I have seen myself become a better person. One with more patience, more love, and less "fly by seat of my pants" antics. I will be the first to say that I m not perfect- far from it. But I'm learning to slow down and enjoy the scenery- more than ever before.

Over the last year- I have seen friends get married, have kids and family members pass away. I have noticed my mother aging, my sister getting older and having kids and the crows feet start to make their home on my face. All of these moments have caused some pause for me to reflect on how far I have come from that shy little boy from Guam- what a life I have lived so far.

As I continue to reflect on all these moments- I must remember I have a responsibility. To teach, to give advice and to say "When I was your age" to as many young kids- As I once was- so that they may get a moment as I did- to make sure their path and their journey is steadfast and fruitful.

Here's to Moms & Dads everywhere.

No Sex in the City

So its been officially two weeks since moving to West Hollywood from the super styled rocker town of Hollywood proper.

I have to say that I kinda miss the craziness of the hollywood premiers, the randomness of getting my morning coffee with Spiderman and Marilyn Monroe- and not to mention watching the skankiest of skanky outfits parade around the boulevard on a friday night. I miss it all.

The funniest thing is that- as a single gay man living in West Hollywood - one would think that I would be overflowing with one night stands or dates scheduled weeks on end- sadly though- nothing. Its like Carrie Bradshaw with no clothes- or shoes- or money- just pathetic. Im sure its gonna take some adjusting as I settle in and its not like I havent been out at all. I just like complaining.

One of my favorite pastimes lately, I must admit, has been going to the new uber chic Pavillions that just opened around the corner from my house. Dare you not ever go there with your best outfit on though- every hardbodied model, actor and socialite shops there. Its such a scene- when that actually benefits me- I will let you know. Maybe I should stop wandering the Ice Cream aisle and stay out of the bakery- no one goes there.

Until then, Im content and grateful. Its nice to have my own 4 walls again. Maybe Ill start to go to the gym again...we shall see.

The Truth

Since moving to LA I have found a fantastic job that doesn't pay me half of what I used to make. They take amazing care of me- but I overwork- more than I usually do. I struggle with what my mom would call "looking a gift horse in the mouth". I struggle to make ends meet and survive- but still find enough money to have a beer every now and then.

In the last four months I have hung around more straight people than a gay man should in LA- not that's a problem. But its like going to Disneyland and sitting in the parking lot- why on Earth am I not out meeting people- or chilling in the Gay Hood of West Hollywood?

I have off and on picked up the bad- HORRIBLE habit of smoking. There is no excuse for this- its death.But- it helps me cope. I feel how it affects me after- shortness of breath- sad.

I haven't worked out in 4 months- sadly this is something I miss- as for almost 2 years I had a trainer and worked out 5 days a week. From that to smoking is unacceptable.

I ended a relationship of a year and sometimes miss it. I think in depth about weather or not I made the right decision. I often wonder if I'm just lonely or If i need to be patient.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason- so I guess I should be patient.

I miss my sister and my nephews- I miss my whole family.

Its funny how when you move to a big city or to a new city in general- there is this mental struggle to survive. I wont be one of those people who "couldn't handle" LA or retreats back to his old town cause "it was lonely".

But the truth is...that's how I feel most days. Lonely.

I have learned to parallel park on a dime- cause when you find parking- its better than sex. Ironically I parallel park more than I have sex.

I feel my age settling into me. I feel grateful for being 32 and soon happier to be 33- and - cant wait to be 40. I feel like that age will signify an arrival to wisdom.

The truth is...I love now better than I did before. But lack a significant other.

The truth is...I feel desperate some days to find someone- though the people who are interested- I don't find attractive- or they lack the maturity to be with me.

The truth is I know nothing and I continue to learn more about life as Ive made mistakes- Its a beautiful irony I live with.

The truth is...I am so thankful for how much I have been blessed and how aware I am of the lessons I have learned. So humble.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring me.

"Crack is Wack- Change is better"

Today I found myself curiously trying to take a listen to Whitney Houston's new single- " I look to You"- and found myself going down memory lane- to when I first heard Whitney- damn that gal has has some staying power! I remember it quite vividly the day my mom put that tape into the car stereo- I listened to many songs- but favored "The Greatest Love of All"- I sang that song to death! That was probably the first of many signs that I was gay- but nonetheless- damn I love me some Whitney- crack and all!

Thinking of all that she has been through- and how today- fresh off a trip bad publicity- she has now begun- no matter what people think of her- to return to what was "good" about her- and what made her "Whitney Houston"- a daring move that must take allot of courage. What will people think? How will they judge? Will she be relevant?

The truth is that - sometimes- we forget to be honest with what the reality of our life really is. Sometimes its bad and sometimes its good. When its bad though- we are shaken to the core- and wonder...how we got there- how!?

If you are lucky enough you get to ask yourself that question (as Whitney has) and rebuild the temple that is your body- life and soul. You will be able to experience a life that is whole and a love of yourself that is so ever important.

I stopped myself as I was listening to Whitney...and repeated "Learning to love yourself - it is the greatest love of all" and thought long and hard about life- and how I must be happy with ALL that it brings me.

Yeah its an age old conversation- "live and learn"- "If we never fall down, we will never learn to get back up", - I could go on and on- you get the point. But Im glad Im one of those people that is constantly aware of what is happening around them- cognizant of who I am and what is important. And- when I get off track I am able to put things in perspective. Im not perfect in any way- so trust me, that ability is a life saver.

So when you find yourself down and out- needing motivation to "change"- look around there are many - many great inspirations out there for you to use.

Thank you Whitney for mine.

NO H8 With Adam Bouska

For those of you who have been following my ever growing participation in the No H8 campaign- here's a peek at the recent photos my buddy & fashion photographer Adam Bouska took. This pictorial of everyday people, celebrities and activists- is a silent protest to over turn the Supreme Courts ruling saying that "Marriage can only be between a Man & a Woman". It is my belief that love is not only for heterosexual couples- but for everyone. That divine right to love- and love without discrimination- is the battle that NO H8 campaign and I firmly believe in. 

My good friend Jade came along with me- I think hers were best. Enjoy.

For for information on the NO H8 Campaign, go to www.noh8campaign.com

Intermission LA

Well Ladies and Gentleman- It has been 4 months now- since I packed up and moved to LA. My how time flies. It feels as if it has been at least a year.

I have to say things have been interesting! i took the bus for the first month or so and that aged me the most. Getting used to the homeless people and the crazy tourists- its both entertaining and humbling.

Different from New York- I cant explain how- But I assure you- Different.

I got my car broken into- and have participated in way too much alcohol consumption! The late nights call you- and sleeping becomes irrelevant. You are obligated. I think there was a moment when I said to myself- enough is enough.

The breaking point came recently when I found myself buying a pack of Parliaments- yes cigarettes! I don't smoke- and thus - forced a paradigm shift.

In trying to create a new identity- almost to try and keep up with the "Jones's" of LA- I lost myself. No amount of vintage plaid- Ray Bans- Farmers Market Trips and runs on Runyon Canyon could replace my inherent need to be nobody else but me! This has always been important.

I threw away the pack of Parliaments - and without hesitation wrote on a sheet of paper everything - that I loved. This little reminder was key to keeping the path focused on my very new journey!

The road ahead is till filled with many trials and tribulations...all which are welcomed. Every time I get a moment when things get crazy- I take a short drive and get coffee- think to myself about when I first got here- and just reflect. Sometimes I forget - how far Ive come.

Cheers to that- and all that is yet to come.