NO ON H8

Yesterday morning was one of the earliest days I woke up to in a while. The sounds of the garbage trucks and the people getting started from their holiday weekend filled the morning with a symphony of noises- familiar only to my ear. 

I found myself filling the hours that followed that afternoon with the usual things one would do on their day off- coffee, errands, and the slow mosey of someone really needing to enjoy nothing and everything. 

Then- as I sat checking my email, chatting with friends- enjoying the rush of the fresh caffeine in my blood- i got a text informing me of the Supreme Courts decision to uphold the Prop 8 ruling that makes a marriage between a gay man or woman illegal.

I sat and simmered for a bit- and then it hit me-hard. I couldn't think for a second- almost as if someone close to me died or even like the feeling of one being fired suddenly. The sounds of the city began to muffle, my breath became short and I had to remind myself to inhale and exhale.

This was bad.

The hour that followed this ruling the gay and lesbian community became quite mobile with their plan to rally against this decision. In minutes I was getting text messages and emails about what to do and where to go that night to voice our opinion. This was the call to action for me and I never felt more obligated in my life. 

The afternoon had  me heading back to OC for work and was tense about the amount of time it would take to get back. Traffic heading back to LA was always a nail biter- but with the grace of God- I found myself right where I needed to be at the right time. This never happens- never. I didn't even bother to try and find a free parking space and opted for the valet parking lot- just shy of our meeting place. 

At 6:10 p.m. I rolled into Fiesta Cantina- the meeting spot that my friend and photographer Adam Bouska called out to us with- here we would gather- and be part of his protest group called "No on H8"- a silent protest that he and his partner Jeff created last year when Prop 8 first was voted into legislation. The campaign was a pictorial of people all wearing white t-shirts and with silver duct tape covering their mouths and the words "No on H8" written on their face- the campaign with everyday people, celebrities and local officials was gaining momentum. It was about to make a very public and large debut.

As I arrived I was greeted and a temporary tattoo was placed on my left cheek with the "No On H8" slogan. As I engaged with silly conversation about traffic and parking, I gazed around the room and took note of the celebrities and friends mingling, talking about their feelings and ready to take action. 

It was quite surreal to be a place with all these people- but what made it more interesting was the reason. No matter who we were in that room- we all felt quite passionate about the ruling. This wasn't a fundraiser- no one had to be there. No one got dressed up to come and no one was there to punch their community service card- this was about change. This was about passion. this was about all of us in that room being tired of the status quo and the people that are telling us what is right and what is wrong. 

At quarter after 7 p.m. we took to the streets. With a bit of vodka in me and the three new friends I made, we all march out; signs in hand and voices ready. Their I was- with Kelly Osborne, Emmy Rossum, Perez Hilton, Pete Wentz, Eliza Dushku, Shauna Moakler and the No On H8" team...taking to the streets!

The surreal feelings of all this began to really settle in as the news choppers flew over and the paparazzi documented every moment on camera. If you never stood up for anything in your life you wouldn't understand- but to not only believe as I have and to vote as I have  and to feel the disappointment as I have- I was filled with all the right reasons to be on that street protesting. no matter who was there- most importantly I was there for myself. 

I was once in a 5 year relationship that was documented by a notary public as "domestic partners", with that and a set of rings my then partner and I dreamed of one day being able to share the full rights as other couples had- but most importantly - to allow us and our "love" to be treated with the same respect that every straight couple is given. 

With every step I took on the pavement my feet grew sore- but with every glance I took around me, my heart grew more proud. Though time finds me today out of that old relationship- I still feel as I did back then -obligated to speak the good word of being in a committed relationship that could one day lead to marriage. Nothing gets the pitter-patter of my heart going faster than that idea. As I glanced around- heavy with memories and strong with determination- I noticed many couples holding hands, showing affection and without saying much at all- proving that we are all capable of marriage- simply by being in love and being human.

As the rally progressed I found myself separated from the friends I made earlier and heavy memories of boyfriends past. This was probably the last place a single gay man should be. But here I was reminding myself and my tempermental heart - that one day this too will be for me.

As a gay man- and a civic one at that, I have done everything in my power since day one to participate on changing the world and the state I live in- by doing what I can to affect change. I think back to what my parents did as young kids in the 60's and 70's and know that this is what I must do as well. Their efforts brought so much change to my life- and I too must do my part. 

As the rally neared the end of its route back to base camp- and my feet no longer had feeling in them, I realized how special tonight was- for me. I stood up for what I believed in- inside and out. I have always called myself a hopeless romantic- and this truly put the stamp of authenticity on it. 

Because above the fact that this was for my fellow gay and lesbian couples to have the right to marry- but this was also for me- so one day I can marry and be treated as an equal participant in all the joys of being married. I no longer care to be a "domestic partner" - but married. 

The heaviness of my heart has slowly been replaced with hope and perseverance. One day this will all be a thing of the past and I will get to say that I was there. There to make a point- there to change people minds and there to make love available FINALLY to everyone.

That's why getting married means so much to me- that is why I was there. 

Table for one please!

Do you ever have one of those days that suddenly- you want nothing more to do with anyone and you pull back- cancel every plan you had and take the beaten trail? 

That was today.

Though good friends came calling- and long Sunday amongst the brunch crowd of LA- I opted for a morning with the roomie and then a day committed to personal time.

Its funny when you have these days- you realize that your not even speaking a word for several hours- and the best part- not answering to anyone. A bit selfish but mentally rejuvenating. 

I have many friends who cant do this- this lonesome dove thing. The very thought of dinner in a crowded cafe is like death- not to mention a movie solo- death again. I don't understand this apprehension to personal time- Its very liberating. Like the first time you paid for something as a child- or your first paycheck as a teenager.

I think of this as a "rite of passage" of sorts. Until you can learn to do this- you will never truly be an adult. That's my opinion at least.

Its important that everyone take the time to zone out and get in touch with whats on their minds. This can be done with a private trip to the museum or even just a day driving the coast- if you have one. 

When you finally get over the fact that you are "by yourself" you will be enlightened...and then understand that that time is a mental recharge of sorts. Like a warm day at the tip of spring- glazed with a cool breeze. Take it in...close your eyes...breathe in...glow!

What are you afraid of?  

The glass is always half full

In LA you can be going at a hundred miles an hour and not even realize that you forgot to eat lunch or get your first cup of coffee. Angelino's tend to overbook everything- mostly because we can't say no to anything or anyone. The only time we can commit to anything truly - Is when we cancel on someone. That part is mostly a blessing- because you are overbooked anyways.

This last month has been so hectic that the moments that I do have to catch up seem like- those hazy mornings after a day of drinking- you know the Sunday brunch kind that start at 12 and end when you pass out fully clothed at 9 pm. 

I have been going at such a face pace that the only thing to slow me down recently has been emotions. I met someone recently that kinda threw everything into a cluster fuck of questions and debating - suitable for only a 13 year old girl and her crush on the captain of the football team. That being said- I'm uncomfortable with what's happening- in a good silly way of course. 

Ill start by saying this- Life is unpredictable and unapologetic- so my questions are never valid. I don't ask why things happen anymore, I just try to adjust as best as possible to the scenario.

With in a week I have managed to become so vulnerable and disassembled that I cant function properly and find myself doing things that I normally wouldn't do. The list is heavy- but checking my phone responses to text messages is the worst offender of all. I hate myself for that.

The bigger issue here is being vulnerable. 

With all the mistakes we have made in our lives- how do we even remotely try not to read into a simple meeting for yogurt or witty banter via text messages? Allot of us go into meeting people with bravery and confidence- but how do you put just enough to not get your hopes to high? 

Then there are the bruises of relationships passed that seem to linger and make you question whether or not you even want to go there at all. 

I think the Virgo in me is completely taking over right now. The sensible side of me says your fine and just play it cool. You are still strong and successful regardless. The Virgo inside of me is screaming "CRAP" not this again- your heart is so fragile and only for someone who can REALLY take care of it this time. 

I'm sitting here laughing at myself over all of this. I guess I have come a long way from three months ago. So I will end with this...I am truly grateful- no matter what- to be living. 

All the colors and people truly bring happiness to my life and come what may- I am just grateful for the gift of getting up every morning to take another stab at it. The glass is always half full!

Change one thing everyday!

Its been a while forgive me. My brain is mashed with thoughts from the past month- all of which are now flowing like busted fire hydrant in the city. Its time for release.

In the last week my friend and I- in our everyday battle to fight of negativity and focus on "living life" - came up with a plan to "Act differently". To pause at any given moment in your life and when you feel you can react differently than you normally do- Do it!

I got to thinking about this strategy of ours and thought of how empowering that could be. What if every day I did one thing differently? That's almost 30 days of positive change (that is I hope all the reactions are positive!)

What If we held the door for people? Said "Thank you and Please" after every human interaction or for that matter took a reusable bag to the market! The possibilities are endless and the change could be huge!

I know its silly but- change is good. Try it.