"How do you regret while still moving forward?"

Whenever  I got a new job working for a new company in the "Mall", It was only a matter of time before I realized I worked to hard and was extremely underpaid or unappreciated. Of course in retrospect its always easy to say that- but why does it, more than often, take us so long to see that we are in a bad situation. Is it comfort, fear, hesitation or just plain stupidity? 

I never regret much in my life because I'm for the most part, someone who understands that everything happens for a reason. One door closes in order for another one to open right? Although much has happened to me over my life- I am always grateful to be alive, in good health and surrounded by good friends and family. Don't misunderstand me, sometimes that isn't enough. I don't have a very close nuclear family and my friends are a handful. So that leaves much to my decision making- as opposed to a bigger community. A constant fork in the road...which way do I go?

Yesterday I felt a bit of regret, and I'm not sure where it came from or what it really was about. But it was a bit of sadness. I'm sure many people are going through this right now- no matter how big or small the challenge is. Every night the news reports more and more about family's committing homicide, people losing their jobs, people dying in car crashes. Chaos. I don't doubt that many nights of questioning, contemplation, searching and yes- regret, filled the minds of thousands of Americans. For some this is too much, and for some they continue to move forward.

But- to move forward and never look back is a tall order these days. We all have lost so much and have come from such "sweet" better days. In Orange County, you are constantly reminded of what you do not have, its hard to avoid. Nonetheless, I have become a bit numb to the aesthetics and more comfortable with the substance of happiness.

So to answer my very important question "How do you regret while still moving forward?"

I can only suggest this.

Live life with the understanding that material posessions and luxury surroundings are unimportant. Family, Love, Spirituality (no matter what kind), and genuine kindness are going to be the foundations for a better tomorrow. No new president, bailout or even running away to a new state could build that. 

You see we all got to this "place" in our world because of our inability to see the truth, hold ourselves accountable and our greed. We do have an opportunity to repair, but we have to make sure its with the most genuine of intentions. We cannot afford to "band aid" our issues as society anymore. We must return- somehow to dinner with the family and turn off the television and the Nintendo. We must return to understanding friends "in person" and not through social networking, We must return to manners and respect and ask ourselves why that disappeared to begin with. Why taking a walk is so bad and driving was made necessity. I could go on and on.

So ill leave you with this. Make time for yourself. Sit and think about what truley makes you happy. In turn, "be present" in all conversations you have with your good friends and family. Everyday is full of opportinities to be better- do your part and participate in the change. 

The 2009 wishlist...entry #1

Only because I am trying to be less shallow and materialistic and more about substance- i have tried to refrain from talking about clothes....

BUT...last week I was at South Coast Plaza (where fashion goes to have lunch) and there they were. The reason why I want to become a high priced escort, so I could pay for stupid things like this- The Stephan Sprouse hightop for Louis Vuitton.

Yes- its pointless, Yes- its $1000 bucks, and yes its not practical...but its HOT!

ok- nothing else to say. Im done, ill go run around the block and forget about them, or add them to the "I wish there wasnt a recession and I made $100,000.00 a year" list...yeah ill do that! 

Prayers for Bobby

Well, here I am blogging on a Saturday night- nothing can be more exciting than that. Dare I use the blackberry to make plans, or dare I even take on some sort of productive and responsible adult chore. Nope- I dare not. So I sit, turn the television on and search.

I am reminded and excited about the Lifetime Movie "Prayers for Bobby". A true story about Mary Griffith- a bible banging mother who son commits suicide after coming out to his family. Bobby struggles to deal with not only being accepted by his family, but by his God fearing mother, and accepting himself. 

Needless to say this story was a great story to tell, and it was told so eloquently. You have the perspective of the mother, Bobby, his family, the community and the church- all being told with honesty, and candor.

As I struggled to keep the tears from falling- my heart sunk and my memories were stirred. They call "Coming Out" one of the hardest things to do in a gay persons life- and being gay I can relate to this. Because as any gay, lesbian or transgender person could tell you - we all have our own version of the story to tell. 

I was lucky enough to not have it as hard as Bobby, though I did have my own set of challenges to overcome. A father and grandfather in the Army, a conservative catholic up bringing and a yes- a mother. But there they were- the silent whispers in your head that wont go away.

I had these thoughts. This interest if you will, in the same sex. An interest that became a feeling and a feeling that became a struggle. I asked myself many days "why- why was I thinking these thoughts?" I didn't want to be different- and these feelings forced me to face a reality that a 14 year old child really doesn't need to deal with. Acceptance, failure, perception and rejection - Why couldn't I just deal with wearing cologne for the first time, pubic hair, teen pregnancy or even drugs! Anything but this thought. 

The reality was I still had to deal with all those thoughts -and being gay.

Ill fast forward. I came out to my sister when I was 18, she was 14 at the time and she was so amazing. She had some idea that something was not "on spot"-but she graciously supported me. My aunt was next, and in an unexpected whisk of fresh "we were waiting for you to tell us" she hugged me and we bonded more. Mom was next, then friends and so forth.  Over the next five years my family allowed me to be who I was, and love me unconditionally. Of course there were certain things that were just never talked about with grams and gramps- but in time that too was replaced with love and support.

I am blessed to have had it so easy- Bobby's story is a representation of what a majority of young gay men and women go through. Some of them never make it past the struggles, family and religion- and sadly end their lives. That is why I feel that this movie is so important. This movie will find its way into the homes of the bigoted, the minds of the narrow and the prayers of a young man struggling with his sanity.

I pay homage to all the stories and tragedies before me that allowed me to come out and be gay a little easier. To all the bad representations that the news allows to use as stock footage of gay pride festivals and to all the people more daring to talk about gay and lesbian issues. For they are the true pioneers in sub culture I belong to- being gay. 

This movie reminded me that I have a gift and a responsibility to continue to pave the way for many gay people after me. To make sure that if I am not happy with the interpretation of equality gay people are given that I fight. If I am not happy with the images and portrayals of gay people in the public- that I lead by example. 

But most importantly- I  have to get involved. As our president call on us to be part of the change. I call on myself to be part of the support network in the gay community as well. Something in me has stirred tonight- and I must do my best to step forward be part of a better story to tell.

Thank you to Sigourney Weaver, Mary Griffith and Bobby for paying forward this important story. It has, in many ways made it a little easier tonight for people to understand the beginning of a gay mans journey in life. 

"Hope For A New Nation, A New Future...and A New Dress"

Yesterday the United States of of America was given a truly precious gift...hope.

Millions of people traveled to the nations capital to witness among many things, the dawn of a generation of Americans becoming wholeheartedly invested in their leader. At home we became glued to every second of the inaugurations festivities. It was like TMZ for politics. Where was the first couple, did they drink coffee or tea, did Barack rub one out before the day started, did Michelle use a relaxer or a flat iron, did the girls get to hug the Jonas Brothers longer than any other girl because they could? So many of these questions were answered through the day and there we were- glued to the television- filled with hope. 

This morning I rummaged through the usual wasteland of email with no expectations as usual. One by one I deleted them with agony- Williams Sonoma 30% off- delete, Work at home- delete, enlarge your penis- delete, monster- don't even open because really, that site has never brought me luck- delete. Barneys ...okay- ill bite. "Barneys loves Isabel Toldeo" ...as i looked over the more than obvious "excitement of the email" , I wasn't surprised to see Simon Doonan- gawking over the fact that Barneys has Isabel and that the dress was a big hit.  Barneys always has great taste, so that wasn't what took me. It was the fact that Michelle Obama has silently become, in her own ambivalent way, a message of hope for all who eat, live and breathe the fashion industry. 

What Simon Doonan and Barneys have done so eloquently, is create relevance. In one of the worse economic cluster fucks of our generation, It was only time before the cocktail parties were cancelled and the replaced with sale signs in luxury boutiques. The ounce frowned upon "box sales" were now becoming a common practice everywhere. One dollar here, five dollar there- extra 60 percent off everywhere, a slow agonizing death. People have families to feed and car payments to make. The thrill of a weekend at the mall has been replaced with anxiety, depression and self inflicted cheapness. In order to be relevant today- you have to speak to the same struggles of the American people, any there are many. If you can save them money, if you are a bargain- then you are relevant.

Then along came Michelle Obama.

Michelle with her effortless style, is classic Americana. She is without a doubt, the picture of an American mother, wife and individual. She loves J Crew, she dabbles in designer, and mixes it all together without too much help from an entourage of peeps. Yes- she has made some questionable choices- haven't we all? Aretha Franklin had a moment yesterday (put down the bedazzler Aretha!) I will never live down these amazing (so i thought) pants from D & G, that were printed with the subway system of New York- so I can relate.....do you see that....i just said it- I related. 

Michelle Obama has built a bridge between women today, her husband and America that she and her husband inherited. She is relevant because she doesn't speak fluent designer, she is relevant because she loves J Crew and White House/Black Market (insert disappointment here), she is relevant because she dresses her children the same way, and of course; she is relevant because she makes some bad outfit choices too. (I still have those D & G pants- get over it!) Michelle has communicated to many women of our nation and the world- that fashion is everywhere, and you too can (on any budget) put it all together. 

Simon Doonan and Barneys hit the jackpot yesterday. Even if women cannot afford to buy dresses by Isabel Toledo, they will ultimately go to Barneys to see touch and feel what the reluctant first lady of fashion wore. I'm sure they also bought up some Jason Wu, the twenty-somthing designer of Michelle Obama's Inaguration ball gown. All sorts of people, along with the women who can actually afford the dresses, will all be at Barneys soon with images of the First Couple still fresh in their heads. I feel a wave First Lady/Jackie O designs headed our way. 

How exciting this all is though. I'm my book the Obama's are true people of the cloth. They know their roots and they do not pretend to be anyone else than who they are. Its a value that has been missing for quite some time from the American People. Its my hope that we continue to explore our forgotten days of family time, bowling night and clothes based on your life- not  life based on your clothes.Most importantly to, of course, to never be afraid to wear your vans to a Gucci party! 

For the "love" of clothes

I guess we have to go back to the very beginning to understand the present. 

I can blame it on The Gap, that catchy blue box. Three silly little letters G A P.  

I'll place all the blame on that damn store.  Innocently disguised as a retail chain- but to me it became the paradigm shift in my life. The one "thing" that caused a ripple effect in all of my world. Am I being over dramatic- maybe...but here's the story.

I was 18 at the time, my college friend Stacie and I were shopping the mall and- like most kids our age were rummaging through stacks of plaid shirts and denim jackets. You could almost smell the fresh cartons of boot cut jeans and polar fleece being loaded from the stockroom to the floor just in time for the holidays. 

Stacie was a girlfriend of mine that I met through Student Government at Cypress College. She was a cheerleader and good person to know in this new town. I remember the moment I met her it was like a classic episode of some teen angst TV series...ala Dawson Creek if you wish.

"Hello" she said, bubbly and rosey just like her cheeks and her hair, which at the time I assumed was her real hair color. "My name is Stacie Fuller, and this is my friend Larry"

Stacie adjusted herself to the right as we all scooted into one of those weird college desks. Black and long, possibly a recycled Lab desk. "Nice to meet you" Larry responded. "Nice to meet you both, I'm David".

They both had wide smiles on them as if I was supposed to be handing them the "secret to life" over our soon to be planned lunch break together. But they were cool and I was new to this school and in no position to turn down friends. 

We did go to lunch that day and all ended up being great friends. Eventually I would join student government and we would all be part of "that group". You know, the group at school you kinda hate because they actually enjoyed being at school, and did more things to stay even longer..I hated those kids. But here I was, one of them. School books in one hand, school spirit in the other and the whole world ahead of me- racing at me like an out of control big rig on the freeway. 

Okay, lets fast forward- back to the point. Usually people have to rewind, I will be the Nicholas Sparks of fast forward. 

Stacie and I were at the mall one day, shopping for some fierce plaid and denim jackets at The Gap- when a helpful associate stopped me and asked If I was doing OK.  "Yes, I am" I replied- a polite young man as I was raised to be. Or maybe the fear of being smacked by my mom still lingered if I didn't reply with manners. "Well If you needed anything my name is Steve" he said. Ill be honest I cant remember his name- but Steve will do. Remember when people used to helpful, relaxed and just personable? Those were the good old days! 

Steve inevitably helped us put together some outfits and we were soon on our way out before he offered us applications for employment. "We are hiring for the holidays and you guys seem real fun so you should apply." Steve said. This being the greatest idea since leaving home to me I immediately applied. Within a week I was hired and was a full fledged plaid loving cargo hogging gap boy! 

That was the very moment that started it all. Can you think back to when you made that one decision, that forever changed your life? That moment- that if it did not occur, you question your very existence today. With that very same thought- think about what you do today. What could you do today that would significantly alter your path in life. Is it a good thing? If not- then why is it worth your time. I agree, there can be many things in your life that are life changing, but I wan to challenge you, and the world you live on to...choose. 

Choose to live your life without regrets. Choose to make a decision today that can have positive impact on the people around you. Choose to live your life as if you had only days left on this earth. I reflect on a friend that has recently passed, and she always did this. And even towards the end- was even more motivated to "live".  Its inspirational.

No matter what the day brings us all...choose to live, inspire, motivate and love.